Hi anita,

I completely agree with what you wrote about children identifying with an aggressive parent and acting that way towards others. It reminds me of my ex: she identified with her father, who beat her and did other horrible things. So she enjoyed being a hypermasculine and aggressive person. Or my sister who constantly argues and antagonizes people: she identifies with my aggressive mother. That therapist I know was still in contact with her most likely abusive parents. I also know that she felt lost as a child and moved around a lot, and most likely that made her feel angry. So I probably triggered her just like her girlfriend. I think she felt inadequate as a therapist and that’s why she acted the way she did. This is another mark of poor therapy on her part: I shouldn’t know all this. The focus should have been on me.

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that people who share identities aren’t always empathetic towards each other. It confuses me. This idea has gotten me into a lot of trouble: expecting that someone who shares my identities or beliefs would be kind to me, and then that is not the case but I have a hard time accepting the truth. I thought dating a woman would be better than dating a man. It wasn’t. In fact it was worse because I didn’t see the red flags. Or more accurately, I saw the red flags but dismissed them. Another example is this man I knew at my last job: he was white, enjoyed guns, and went on to become a cop. I thought he was a bad person because of those things. But he ended up treating me with kindness and respect. He made me laugh and I enjoyed his company. And he was the reason I was able to leave my ex, because I would feel so happy spending time with him and my other coworkers, laughing and having a great time. Then I would come home to her and feel so depressed, like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I think now part of the reason I’m having trouble moving on is that I don’t have that social support anymore, like you mentioned in your earlier response.

Thanks for saying I express myself well. Sometimes I feel I am stupid and can’t express myself well. I always blamed myself during my relationship that I couldn’t articulate properly. But the truth was she just didn’t listen to me. Sometimes I feel my expectations are too high, like I have to accept some disrespect and suffering in a relationship. I used to have high expectations but I lowered them, and because of that I lowered my self respect. It’s madness, isn’t it?

I agree, we must judge abusers for who and what they are. The reason the world is in disarray, the reason so many of us suffer is because we look the other way and lie to ourselves about abusers. I don’t think abusers who refuse to take responsibility deserve forgiveness. Nor do they deserve punishment per se, but it’s best we get as far away from them as possible. I don’t want to punish people who have hurt me. I just want them and their toxicity away from me and my mind. But people always blame me for wanting this. I agree, having a win-lose therapist was awful for me. I am starting to feel a little compassion for myself in knowing it wasn’t my fault. I wonder what others who have been her clients felt, or maybe she only did it to me.

I do see myself as someone chained to suffering: mentally. I still ruminate over these things that have happened, and have flashbacks. It’s as if these things are still happening. I am stuck in the past in many ways and would like to be free from it all.

I look forward to reading your response when you are back. Thanks so much for listening and for providing such great insight.