I also wanted to add that this breakup is different. Not only in it being the best and healthiest one that I ever had. When it ended I always thought there was a chance to get it back. I would do the whole not talking to a person thing hoping they would come running back to me. This time it’s different. I don’t even feel that way here. I’m not going to waste hours on getting him back articles and e-books. This time there is nothing to fix. The virus has made it impossible for us to be together. He lives on the other side of the world. It’s just not possible to be together. How do i deal with this sadness with no relief from convincing myself that I will fix it somehow. You know the phases that was always there and made me feel better somehow. This is impossible. This is just life. This is dating someone far away and it not being able to work out. There is nothing to mend. Nothing to change. The virus has made it impossible. I don’t know i’m just so sad. Would it be counter-productive to ask if he loved me since we never said it? I don’t even know if he or not. I guess that makes my relationship unhealthy. But I always felt that he did. He went entirely out of my his way at every point to make sure i was happy all of the time. When he was here whenever he would go out without me he always brought me back things that reminded him of me so many things. He remembered things about me always even from our months of skype he always stared at me and messaged me little things i was doing on a zoom call with others because he was watching me. I’ll just tell myself that he did love me.  I won’t ask. I will come back later i feel like if i stay here i’ll just keep replying to myself I don’t know what do right now. It’s 4am I have no one to talk to.  I am not going to sleep tonight.