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The Best Relationship I Ever Had Ended Unbearable Emotions

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  • #365393
    Michelle
    Participant

    Everything feels fake right now that’s the only way I can describe it. I mean the virus, yeah things already felt fake but now they really do.

    I’m 38 years old now. It took my 37 years to finally be in a healthy relationship with a guy that I really liked. A genuinely great guy. I don’t have a single complaint about him. We had everything in common, and he is the only person I have met to this point in my life that I could 100% be myself and feel safe. He’s the only person I felt emotionally safe with and open with. Someone I could give emotion to freely without feeling afraid. It took me a long time. So many toxic relationships, and a lot of self-reflection.

    We were together for a 13 months but only spent abot 3 months of that together, mostly because of the virus. I don’t have a single negative thing to say about this guy. There was not a single bad moment of our relationship. We only got in one fight the entire time. He was absolutely the sweetest and most thoughtful guy I had ever been with. Our chemistry was immediate. We were magnetic when we were together we were always touching each other one way or another. You couldn’t keep us apart. Distance was hard.He was the only person I ever felt the “sparks” with on our first kiss. It was fairytale perfect. The best year of my life. So now I am absolutely beyond devastated. I don’t know how I am going to be able to cope with this in the coming days. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life and when it finally does it is taken away like some big joke. My life is just one dark tragedy after another and it’s not fair. I feel i’m a good person for the most part, so I don’t understand why i always seem to be in some giant karmic payoff.

    We didn’t break up because our relationship was troubled. We didn’t break up because we learned things we didn’t like about each other, there reason we broke up wasn’t due to anything negative between us. Our relationship was always unknow and i took the risk and lost. I thought I would have a family one day but now I feel like I even lost that chance because I risked it on this. Not to say this wasn’t absolutley amazing. I had more to lose in terms of that as I am 7 years older.  We met last summer when he was studying abroad here for an MBA and we had the best two months together. He was only here for a summer program. Originally it was to end and be a fling but the chemistry was amazing and we went so well together we kept it going. He lived in China I lived in NY. We couldn’t be further apart.

    We fit together so well he flew back around the world to see me a month later and spend a couple of weeks here. He also started netowrking to hopfully find a job. Then we met again in Malta in December. I wish I knew that was going to be the last time I would ever see him again. It was the best vacation I ever had.

    Then his father broke his leg so he stayed there past my Birthday in January saying he would come the end of feb or early march. The this stupid virus happened. I know it destroys everything in it’s path even if you don’t get it. It destroyed everything for me but we had each other. We talked to each other all day every day. Anything that happened to us we told the other. Keeping hope alive that he could come see me again soon but then april passed, june, july, and no end in sight. He had planned to come to do a school program here and find a job. We planned this in October of last year. He was going to do it and we were going to move in together.  The school allowed him to work right away. He would find a job while in school and then stay here. He would have two years to find one. He was supposed to come in August. But then covid happened. It kept us apart. Hong Kong closed it’s borders indefinitley at the end of March. He  could only risk getting sick on a plan traveling across the world but when he went back he would have to stay in a government center for 2 weeks no way around it. I could understand why no one would want to stay in a gov quarentine in China. So we waited for it to lift.  It never did. We wouldn’t be able to see each other at all this year.

    Now jobs are not plenty. He could not find a job in Hong Kong because of the virus. Then China imposed new rules on the region so even more employers have begun to flee. The plan was to make money and save before comming to school here. That did not happen because of the virus and the China situation. He had not found work since graduating from school. Jobs here are scarce who will hire him as a forigner? He wanted to work in AI development but businesses have cut those funds. He did not make money and has been living on his savings for this entire year and for three for the MBA. So now there is probably no job here. He will almost be 32 when he comes here and he doesn’t think it’s wise to fincially wipe himself out not knowing if he will get a job and having to pay for school and living expenses. I feel sad that he doesn’t want to do that for me. But it’s a lot to ask so I didn’t because i’m sure he had already thought about it and made up his mind.

    Plan B was to move to Canada together but because of the virus those residencies that usually took six months will now take at least another year.

    He made a decision that is logical for his life and career, and is also logical for mine even if I feel terrible right now.

    We have not spent enough in person time together. The time and the distance most likley made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade so if anyone mentions why didn’t you get married i’m sure he probably thought of it as an option or didn’t want to at this point.

    He broke up with me because he feels every route is exausted because of the virus. It is not possible.

    I didn’t try to convince him to find a way. I knew he had thought of every way and what he was or was not willing to do to be with me. I just forced myself not to cry in front of him.

    I live alone in a small aprtment. I have so much going on in my life. I lost my job. I am in a fake lawsuit that is never ending with as many motions as possible aimed to hurt me fincially in some criminal revenge plot. The  the lawsuit that has been going on for 4 years. He was my peace every day. He was my joy what i had to look forward to, he was my ear when i was feeling angry or stressed, or nervous. He was my best friend too. We talked all day every day we had a routine. I never felt uncomortable with anything with him. I was able to get through the virus because i had this and now it is gone. What am I going to do? And now I will be alone in this tiny apartment absolutley terribly devistated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this?

    Our relationship was always an unknown as I said. I never told him that I loved him but I did. He never told me. I always assumed we didn’t because it would make it harder if it didn’t work out. He had trouble showing emotions. I don’t know if he ever loved me but I loved him and I regret never saying it.  I certainly felt he loved. He shared everything with me,  and he equally talked to me everyday. He even made a homemade album and sent it to me. I never had a guy do that for me. I guess I never will know if he loved me. I always felt he did. The way he starred at me and always watched only me when we did zoom calls with other people. He was such a good boyfriend.

    This whole post is long word vomit. I don’t know if I even expect anyone to read it all. Maybe a skimm I know I would do that.  i’m just typing what i’m thinking because i’m in disbelief and i’m devistated. This was the best relationship I ever had. What do I do? How do I move on from this. I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men. This is my 5th time in life being heart broken. The other was just Jan of 2017. I don’t know how i’ll go through it again with everything else.

    He told me I can talk to him anytime. But I want to try not to. Nothing feels real now. I’m in denial I feel like he will just pop up and tell me it was all just one big joke. I don’t know if I have ever been this sad before. It’s not like the other breakups. This feels worse because it was great. I hate this virus.

    #365394
    Michelle
    Participant

    I also wanted to add that this breakup is different. Not only in it being the best and healthiest one that I ever had. When it ended I always thought there was a chance to get it back. I would do the whole not talking to a person thing hoping they would come running back to me. This time it’s different. I don’t even feel that way here. I’m not going to waste hours on getting him back articles and e-books. This time there is nothing to fix. The virus has made it impossible for us to be together. He lives on the other side of the world. It’s just not possible to be together. How do i deal with this sadness with no relief from convincing myself that I will fix it somehow. You know the phases that was always there and made me feel better somehow. This is impossible. This is just life. This is dating someone far away and it not being able to work out. There is nothing to mend. Nothing to change. The virus has made it impossible. I don’t know i’m just so sad. Would it be counter-productive to ask if he loved me since we never said it? I don’t even know if he or not. I guess that makes my relationship unhealthy. But I always felt that he did. He went entirely out of my his way at every point to make sure i was happy all of the time. When he was here whenever he would go out without me he always brought me back things that reminded him of me so many things. He remembered things about me always even from our months of skype he always stared at me and messaged me little things i was doing on a zoom call with others because he was watching me. I’ll just tell myself that he did love me.  I won’t ask. I will come back later i feel like if i stay here i’ll just keep replying to myself I don’t know what do right now. It’s 4am I have no one to talk to.  I am not going to sleep tonight.

     

    #365395
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Wow,  was about to go to sleep after I just put in some job resumes and then went to see if there were any errors in my last post on here. Saw your post and that’s deep… I feel for you, I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I send you nothing but love, positivity and light. Don’t give up hun, I know how bad these things and experiences can hurt. I’ll send you positive vibes about your lawsuit too and that everything works out in your favor. If it helps, I’m in limbo with jobs right now with trying to find a happy and healthy medium. With your relationship, if it’s meant to be for you and him to-re-connect again, the universe will make it happen AGAIN, trust in that. The universe works in mysterious ways, when it’s truly meant to be for you to be with someone.

    #365396
    Michelle
    Participant

    I couldn’t help it i did kinda say i don’t know how i’ll get through it. I felt the relationship was very great not gripes other than never knowing how he felt and i guess he answered in the same way that i already insinuated.

    I wish I had been more open about how I felt all this time. Expressing things is not a strong suit of mine. What I can honestly say is that the reason I kept holding onto hope for a year was because I cared a lot about you.

    Maybe I didn’t express it openly because long distance relationships are filled with so much uncertainty and I didn’t want to commit to something I could not follow through on.

    Don’t let yourself get down. You’re an amazing, kind hearted person and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. Good things happen to good people.

    It will take me a while to get over the sadness as well. I don’t express it, but it’s there.”

    #365397
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Well that’s beautiful what you wrote, if he truly loves you, he will understand… and you two will have a better line of communication of how you express your feelings. I hope you two re-connect soon cuz it sounds like a really beautiful and peaceful relationship, that I feel is worth sticking around for.

    #365400
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh, wait. Sorry, I just saw the quotes. He wrote that to you… Well, how does it make you feel? Is the most important question to ask yourself.  Does it bring you peace? You seem so hurt and sad over all this.

    #365401
    Michelle
    Participant

    Well, this does not bring me peace obviously. This and one incident that created our one fight is the only time he has not brought me peace. Otherwise, he brought me so much peace. I was happy every day. I looked forward to waking up to his texts while. Every day felt happy because i knew I had someone there with me supporting me and being patient with me. Every night my night i had someone to virtually spend time with.  It felt good having someone always there for me with everything who wanted to be there. He even listened to me for hours on my worst days. No guy had ever done that for me. He accepted all of my oddities and was always kind and patient with me. I had never been happier in any relationship. All of my other relationships ended because the relationship was not ideal. Three ended with them cheating for a long period of time and them lying to me. Others were toxic, there were lots of issues, lots of anger, and lack of commonalities and communication. This guy felt almost like my perfect fit. He understood me, and he was my intellectual equal. We talked for hours every day all day long thoughout the day and i never felt bored or like we had run out of things to talk about.

    I don’t want to think about reconnecting that will give me a false hope. He is so far away. I will not go to China right now or anytime in the future. And unless he has a job or a transfer he will not be here. Him looking for a job here is now off the table because it becomes indefinitely harder and more expensive to come here to find a job stay in a hotel or pay the expenses of NYC.  I was a place for him to stay while he looked also. But he did not get the chance to look. He went to school to get out of the job he had. He hated his life and didn’t want his life to be that foreer. Now with the virus and him in his 30’s he is giving up his dream of starting a new career and will go to work for the same type of job that he hated. I don’t even think that he will be looking for the jobs that he had envisioned having here because they do not exist in Hong Kong.  The chances of us reconnected just dosen’t really seem to be there.  I just have to let go of the best relationship i ever had.

    I know it’s not all about me. I know everyone is affected by the virus. But i am not in others life so I can only focus on mine. I feel amazingly depressed nothing works for me ever. Not ever. It’s just a tease. Even if this virus didn’t come for another year he would have already been here. The timing is the worst. It has destroyed everything pertaining to and not pertaining to my relationship.

    I was also about to sign a job offer for my ideal job I had been trying for years to get. But then this virus came so that went away too. Just everything is gone except for that lawsuit. That will never go away.

    #365402
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m really sorry you’re hurting, he does sound like your perfect match and so I can see why this is so emotional and difficult for you. I sympathize, truly. I wish you nothing but the best in life and that you will find a similar partner as him, in the very near future. You deserve it.

    I send you my best wishes and bunch of positivity, love and light.🙏

     

    Goodnight for me.

    #365403
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank You Marie I don’t know if i will sleep tonight. The sun is up.

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