Well, this does not bring me peace obviously. This and one incident that created our one fight is the only time he has not brought me peace. Otherwise, he brought me so much peace. I was happy every day. I looked forward to waking up to his texts while. Every day felt happy because i knew I had someone there with me supporting me and being patient with me. Every night my night i had someone to virtually spend time with.  It felt good having someone always there for me with everything who wanted to be there. He even listened to me for hours on my worst days. No guy had ever done that for me. He accepted all of my oddities and was always kind and patient with me. I had never been happier in any relationship. All of my other relationships ended because the relationship was not ideal. Three ended with them cheating for a long period of time and them lying to me. Others were toxic, there were lots of issues, lots of anger, and lack of commonalities and communication. This guy felt almost like my perfect fit. He understood me, and he was my intellectual equal. We talked for hours every day all day long thoughout the day and i never felt bored or like we had run out of things to talk about.

I don’t want to think about reconnecting that will give me a false hope. He is so far away. I will not go to China right now or anytime in the future. And unless he has a job or a transfer he will not be here. Him looking for a job here is now off the table because it becomes indefinitely harder and more expensive to come here to find a job stay in a hotel or pay the expenses of NYC.  I was a place for him to stay while he looked also. But he did not get the chance to look. He went to school to get out of the job he had. He hated his life and didn’t want his life to be that foreer. Now with the virus and him in his 30’s he is giving up his dream of starting a new career and will go to work for the same type of job that he hated. I don’t even think that he will be looking for the jobs that he had envisioned having here because they do not exist in Hong Kong.  The chances of us reconnected just dosen’t really seem to be there.  I just have to let go of the best relationship i ever had.

I know it’s not all about me. I know everyone is affected by the virus. But i am not in others life so I can only focus on mine. I feel amazingly depressed nothing works for me ever. Not ever. It’s just a tease. Even if this virus didn’t come for another year he would have already been here. The timing is the worst. It has destroyed everything pertaining to and not pertaining to my relationship.

I was also about to sign a job offer for my ideal job I had been trying for years to get. But then this virus came so that went away too. Just everything is gone except for that lawsuit. That will never go away.