Hi anita,

Yes, that’s something that’s hard to wrap my head around – that even cruel people are kind from time to time. It creates a lot of confusion because you never know if it’s you. I’ve always struggled with getting angry at someone for mistreating me then feeling like I need to be kinder or more understanding. This reminds me of another memory from my teenage years: my dad used to always rant at me about his life, his problems, how my mom was terrible to him, so on and so forth. I didn’t want to be around him. I remember the summer after my freshman year of college I told him so. My mom shamed me and said I was making him feel bad. It’s like you said before about how mothers train their children in toxic ways. But now I don’t know how to untrain myself. I feel like I need to reconnect with my own inner guidance: I feel that when I can trust myself, things usually work out pretty well. I think I have good instincts but it’s hard not to have social support to back you up. It’s like the frog dying in hot water. I feel my intuition has died, or quieted. In my head I hear the things other people have told me, but I cannot “hear” myself because no one on my life has really heard me.

I have always felt I attract toxic people. It’s interesting to hear you say that might not be the case. Another toxic thing that therapist told me is that most people are good, only a few are bad. I thought that was wrong and maybe you agree. And I think assessing people as good or bad is unhelpful. Maybe someone isn’t a bad person but they can still be toxic to my wellbeing. I feel it’s more important to think about how people make us feel, how they treat us and whether or not the relationship is a win-win. This stuff is very confusing, I still don’t know how I can unlearn all of these lies, especially ones that have come from a so-called mental health professional!

You’re right, no one is completely healed. I guess deep down I still feel I am a messed up person, and for that reason I close myself from the possibility of getting close to someone who I actually want to be close to. Maybe that’s why I have these toxic relationships: I know they are toxic, but I feel I am toxic too and don’t deserve any better. I always wonder, am I good person? What does good even mean? It’s hard going through life without parents to guide us…how can we know right from wrong without anyone to teach us? I feel values are often distorted and it’s still so hard to see clearly. But once upon a time I did see clearly…I wonder how to get back to that point, or to go forward to an even better place. I know I can’t be perfect but I still want to be for some reason. I wish I could cut myself some slack.

On another note, today is my birthday! I am 28 today. Even with all of this confusion this is a better birthday than in the past. For most of my life I didn’t want to be alive, didn’t care whether or not I was dead or alive. Even when COVID hit, I was not afraid because I didn’t care if I caught it and died. But now I am looking forward to the future and I feel a little happier to be on this planet. Maybe because I am trying to untangle myself from abuse and lies. Love heals and truth does also.