So… I’ve been thinking about my behaviour and relationships and what it my relationship triggers problems in my relationship. Also, not just thinking, but I’ve been practicing mindfulness after having some depresing and anxiety moments lately, and I’ve come up with some things…

I don’t think that my parents were not good to me, or they didn’t give me enough love. But it was clear from early on to me that my parents’ marriage is not perfect. They were fighting, it’s hard to remember now how often, but even when they were not, I guess I felt it’s not working. I remember a feeling that when our family was together, just the 4 of us (my dad, mom, brother and me), somehow it was not enough. I think that was because their relationship didn’t work. I wanted, when we went to trips, vacations or Christmas dinners, that someone was with us. Because if someone was with us (mostly another family), that feeling that somehow our family isn’t enough, that something missed, went away. Or maybe that just helped me to ignore it better.

When I was 20 they divorced. I didn’t see that coming mostly because I expected it much earlier, so when it didn’t happen earlier, I thought they will stay together. It was really hard, they didn’t get along, there were some nasty fights, not just between them but between my brother and me, and us with them. I guess I blamed my dad a lot, because I felt, even as younger that he didn’t try enough. My mom was home, she did almost all of the housework and was always there for us, and my dad was often away, even more in the end. We also had some fights after divorce, he soon found a new woman and tried to get me to know her and hang with her and her family and I didn’t want to. A few times he also tricked me, we decided to meet, and he would bring them without telling me. We are okay now, because I want to have relationship with him as he is my dad, but I still don’t like how he behave.

After divorce, my dad parents, who I was really close with, got sick and died in a few years and that was a hard time for me. I was in college, first my grades dropped and I was also an introvert, however I started getting more friends and going out and even got better grades again during the final years.

Until last year of college, I had a a lot of crushes in my life, but never mutual. I was also an introvert, I didn’t care much about my clothes or make up, and this changed during my 20s.

I guess that during those hardest times, as I didn’t have a family, and even didn’t have someone to really confess to (because the problems were in my family, and it was too personal to say to friends, also I didn’t want a therapist because of my prejudice that this would mean something is wrong with me or I’m sick), I wanted a boyfriend to save me. And at final year of college I found a boyfriend, and at first, I finally had that someone.

I now see that in my relationships, I was pursued by boys, and they were at first good to me (as Anita says, maybe because they had to be nice to me if they wanted me as girlfriend). And I liked that. I think in my 2 longer relationship, I also lost infuatuation, but I liked being with them even after that because they were good to me (and they really were both, at least in the first year-two, during their infatuation phase). And I think I did care a lot for them, even after my infatuation stopped.

But my problem is, as I see it, when they stopped being good to me, or good enough, instead of leaving, I try to do everything to get them back. Now with my 7 year relationship I waited too long, last time, it finished earlier (that phase lasted a few months). He did broke with me, but I was on verge of breaking up too, a thought of that for a time. I guess I did maybe just learn something.

I also realized that by doing that – trying to do everything to get them back , I stop myself from getting something better. Because in 7 year relationship, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I wanted someone to wake up with, to be with me, to be mutual support and spend time together, but as it was long distance (except 1 year), I was actually alone most of the time. My behaviour deprived me of getting things I wanted instead of getting a chance to have them with someone else. Because I was afraid of breaking up and being alone, and afraid if I can fall in love again and find someone again. And when we broke up after 7 years, when I was 30…

Now I do feel a bit scared, as I’m 33, will I be able to have a relationship and a family later (is it too late and are all the good guys taken?). I’m aware I have to see if a guy is mature, and if we want the same things. But first have some time alone. All my life, I didn’t have many health, school or work problems, I do have a support in my family and friends (even in my dad – we talk a lot, even if he sometimes doesn’t understand me or I him. I think I’m accepting that now finally). I do have a lots of interest and mostly (excpet now in covid times), I don’t have problems with going out, meeting new people, I’m also satisfied with my looks and guys do notice me. I changed a lot, from big introvert and really shy girl in my teens.

I guess I only have problems with thing that I obsess over the most – having a partner, and now in my 30s, a family too. As I’m reading about mindfulness, meditation, spirituality already about 5 years, I guess I must find that someting I’m missing (that something since I was a child who felt something was missing when I was with my family) in me first. I’m welcome to advices on how to overcome that. And I think I have to appreciate what I have more, and be grateful for that (family, friends, my cats, health, work,) instead of clinging to someone who is not good for me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.