I thought about it Anita. I think it’s not just not wanting to move on, there are a lot of things, conflicting thoughts rather that are going in my head. Maybe because usually i discuss or vent with my girlfriends, but he’s just left so many times that now I don’t even feel comfortable bothering my closed ones with the same things about the same man so maybe all the pent up thoughts keep messing with my head. I’ll try and put it out to the best of my abilities and it’ll be great if you could help me find a solution.

1. I’ve read up all that I could on narcissism and he showed and continues to show many traits. He never apologized, even in the last months that he contacted, his way of talking was rude and gas lighting, questioning me for not begging him to stay again. Even when we were together, he was emotionally unavailable, said things like ‘I’m like this only, but you are sensible, you should know better’ in every conflict, would switch off his phone for hours when I would break down in a fight, by the end of it even if i expressed a mere polite displeasure over the way he spoke to me or something trivial, he’d say I’m fighting and avoid me etc. So, in my head I am convinced but then again, since I haven’t seen him with another girl ever since, a small voice in my head also sometimes thinks what if just something works with the other girl and he has the happily ever after with someone that I emotionally invested towards for 5 years. What if he is not narcissistic or just changes or something on the same lines. It’s twisted really, a part of me wants him to be happy wherever he is but then again I can’t help thinking about him being better to another girl.  I feel really evil for even having this thought but believing that he will be the same narcissistic way he was with me with even his next gf or wife, makes me feel better.

2. I’m just very hurt by the post-breakup interaction between us, its like I’ve accepted the narcissism but seeing it unfold is hurting. When it’d ended, I’d literally begged him for a week for even an explanation for he’d just randomly said he’s going amid an argument, he’d blocked me from every contact and even up till now, he hasn’t once apologized. Every time that I have answered his calls, he’s only talked rudely and called me childish and stupid for not answering each of his calls and for not wanting to speak to him. The  last conversation, where i told him that I don’t want to speak to him because it hurts me and I don’t want anymore hurt and then wished him well for his life ahead, he began calling me names and ended with saying that he also has no interest in speaking to me now and that I will always be a stupid and immature girl and hung up saying ‘get lost’. I mean I know i should have expected it by now but I’m still appalled. Here i was thinking that maybe 1% regret, maybe something, maybe he realized something, maybe at least he’ll ask me how have I been holding up but no, it seemed that all he was interested in was to just get me to say that I’m glad that he called and initiate getting back together from my side only. It’s making me feel as if these 5 years were a lie, as if it meant nothing to him, as if he’s not the man at all that i fell in love with and I hate that feeling. My head keeps questioning that did he never love me at all, does he really think that bad of me, and i feel angry that he after leaving me so brutally on a phone call, he has the audacity to still turn it around at me.

3. The last thing is that despite it all, I keep thinking of him, sometimes with anger, sometimes with all the what-ifs, I’m 28 so I was thinking of marriage with him, he also would in words at least talk about marriage and now to think I would have to have all that with someone else and this relation will just get lost in obscurity is a bad feeling. its that case, like you know, when a close one dies, some of us mourn and learn to move on and just be happy, while some of us mourn and then get on with life but always carry them and remember them almost daily, as if keeping them alive within them. I think I’m the second kind of mourner by default but i just don’t want to because he clearly doesn’t care and i need to stop caring about maintaining the sanctity and respect of my past. I think I’m not scared that the love will be lost, the bird will die if the nest is lost, I know in my head that i will love any person that i end up with totally, i know there are good men out there, but the end of all my dreams with this particular person and the thought of us in particular never having anything in life anymore ever, is something that makes me feel bad and thus, i feel i tend to hold on.

I think that is all. Gosh, I actually feel better by even writing it all down.