Hi @Shelbyville

I’m in military mode myself, discipline in my runs which has really helped lift some of that fog and firing off anyone who offers me nothing which no one is used to and took them by surprise. I had a huge clearout of so called friends and I feel better for it as they showed no concern for me during this time citing I had split up so many times they believed I would be ok and accept it by now, the nerve! It has been 6 months + that initial pain where I thought I can’t live has lifted but my ex, unfortunately, is on my mind in various ways a lot but I’m trying. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I think the way it has panned out I will end up a much better person for it, The bad days are getting fewer I need to trust the process. His family still message me but I’m undecided to keep the ties or go for a clean break?!

First of all, Shelby, take a deep breath and give yourself a massive pat on the back, You ARE OVER YOUR EX! that is a humongous achievement. You did the growth to move on, You decided, however, you got there, you deserved more, you want to be in another relationship.

Self-worth is something I think needs a little more work reading what you wrote. It isn’t healthy to be so upset after casual dating ends with someone you didn’t really want. You are putting your worth entirely on the decision of someone else. Casual dating is meant to be light and fun and a way of avoiding pain really because you still have other options, you haven’t put your eggs in one basket. So there is something wrong, you still need to work on your self-love. It also kind of indicates you may actually be a monogamist yourself and want that one person to love and be loved by so badly.

Onto the 2nd guy, from what you wrote I think he sounds great and you are self-sabotaging here. He is a monogamist and focuses on one person at a time, so you don’t have to worry about cheating or competition. Monogamy is rare in people these days. He has put out the feelers and you initially wanted to go at a different pace, he still stuck around that is reassurance. Maybe he felt like you didn’t want more so he pulled back a little himself to meet your pace. Now you are rushing in, just give him space and time to catch up. You’ve suggested a sleepover so the fact he is being cautious and suggested the morning is good, he is not looking to get in your pants.

Do you know what you actually want from a relationship? Like what is your list after the lessons from your past? “But he was really head wrecked by me and couldn’t understand what I was talking about” what do you mean? What did you discuss that would make him feel that way or are you assuming?

The only thing I’d be wary about 2nd guy is him not being a great communicator/ not into the deep stuff, it seems you have a type because your ex was the same. So you may be looking for validation rather than love. I think as a person you will always need a bit of reassurance so just make sure you can communicate that across and an understanding partner will give you that but at the same time learn to be confident in yourself too. If your needs are not being met don’t cling. I think you place your worth in another person.

You are putting your heart on the line again so of course, it is going to be scary, of course, you are going to have nerves. But that means being vulnerable enough to handle rejection, as Tim said as long as you are being true to yourself if someone rejects you take it on the chin. It is their loss that is the mentality you need to adopt. Don’t have expectations, let things happen. If you nitpick and worry x means he isn’t interested without any evidence, it will be over before you know it. I’d say Sat morn focus on something like what you’ll do, wear, eat instead of he’s lost interest, take a chilled out approach, have fun on the day. Then have a light conversation about what you both want or see it going, if you’re still not on the same page then work on if you can be, if not be confident to walk away it is still early days you said only a few weeks ago you were dating newly and for distraction. Don’t let what could just be infatuation tie you in knots. You’ll be able to gauge more in-person conversation. You may be over-worrying for nothing.

Your job like seriously I’d give it some time it’s 2 weeks, so the initial introduction/ familiarisation is always intense, after a month if I felt the same and depressed by it I’d quit. x