Dear Anita,

Thanks a lot for your very prompt reply to my questions, I really needed them.

I’ve thought and Currently, I’m in the process of writing my reply post to it, and this one is only going to be about me learning my lessons and moving forward on a positive note so that whenever I feel the need to revisit this post and your opinions, I can find the positive conclusions from all of it. I’ll be completing it tomorrow and posting here.
I think I’ve gained more clarity through your replies than I did in all of the last year and can leave my past in the past, just that there is one thought that is still bugging me and not letting me sleep tonight. While I was writing my reply, I kept fighting it, telling myself it doesn’t matter and now I have to only concentrate on myself but it’s still there. One additional thing that I learnt in the last few days is how repressing thoughts is not the healthy way of dealing with them, I expressed my silliest questions and deepest insecurities to you and it is helping move on better than what fighting my thoughts in the last one year did. So I thought, I might as well pour out this last thought too. This is a question and I would love an answer on it. I’ll call my ex L. I’m going to hereon see him only as a Learning experience so.

As I said in my initial posts, L kept contacting me one month post breaking up with me for the 4th time. After he’d left and I had decided not to let him back again, I’d blocked him from everywhere to move forward as I know he would again contact me when he wants to like all the previous times, and then didn’t answer his calls from his friends’ numbers once he started calling.  (I had their numbers) When I reached a level of recovery and could talk to him without bitterness and hurt, I began answering a few of his calls to hear him out as it is not in my general nature to avoid calls and it felt bad and because I was half hoping he might, just might have realized something. I answered about 1 out of 7-8 calls, so in all, in the 9 months that he called, I spoke to him around 3-4 times. I’d sent him a few ‘please don’t contact me’ texts in between but he continued calling.

All talks were generally like random, he sounded bitter throughout though his volume would be low and get higher as the conversation progressed. the first time I answered, his first line was exactly this (the sequence of the phrases might have been different but these exact lines were said), ‘finally, you do me the honor of answering my call, this is how you want to deal with it yes, by avoiding my calls, talk to me right now’, next time he started by saying ‘ Hi, this is L, you know what Jenny, I have spent many nights now wanting to abuse you, show you my anger, curse you’ and changed the topic when I replied that he doesn’t have the right to do that, next two times, he started by asking asking me how I am. All conversations were about him talking about random things and insinuating that he wants me back but not apologizing or saying it clearly, he would say how lonely he feels, would remind me of things in our relation, you remember we did this, we did that. I would generally stay quiet. One time he asked me if I would be open to meeting him, I appreciate it but said sorry I can’t. He would get aggressive when I would say please tell me why are you calling, or that you left, now you cannot call whenever you want, I was very hurt by the way you left me hanging. Not once did he say I’m sorry. In each of the 4 conversations, after a few minutes of the conversation, seeing him just say random stuff, I would just say please stop contacting me, and then he would get angry, he’ll call me an idiot, a bitch, say fuck off/get lost, at which point I would hang up the call. All this was unlike anything the previous times when he left and would come back, generally I’d tell him ‘I’m here and i love you’ the moment he would say he’s lonely as i would mistake it as meaning ‘he’s sorry and he loves me’ and then we would get back together but this time I could see that it was still just about him and what he wanted and there was never an apology. The last time that I told him please stop calling me, it hurts me and i don’t want to be hurt because by now I’d realised that he hasn’t changed, he burst out like during the last year of the relationship saying I myself have no interest, saying i am mean for not going after him when he left and began name-calling and hurling abuses at me, at which point I hung up the call and promised myself never to answer his calls again.

After that, he called me again a couple of times in the last one month but I knew by now that with every talk it only worsened. Around 2 weeks after his last call to me Anita, one morning I just felt that now I want to move ahead, now I don’t want to be bitter and hurt, and then I felt that I should wish him well and tell him categorically because I felt its a dead end now and till he keeps contacting, a part of me will keep being stuck here. So then the morning after that I decided to send him a final text. This was two weeks after his last call to me, I contemplated if I should wish him well through a call but I didn’t want to be sucked back into a confrontation and so decided to leave a short text. This was my exact text:

L, please consider this my farewell text in response of all your calls in the last few months. 

I don’t wish to now keep any contact with you, L, ever. It hurts me and I want to move forward, It brings back memories of the time you broke up with me and I want to move beyond it. Please don’t contact me L. 

I wish you well. May life give you immense happiness and success in all that you do.

Regards, 

Jenny. 

I felt peaceful Anita. and believed that he’ll also take it as farewell and we can end it positively.

A week later though, I got a text from him. This was the exact text.

Congratulations on your idiocy. Spare me your silliness and keep it to you only.
Don’t ever dare to contact me. 

Regards, 
L

And this text is my Question.
– why did he send this? I tried ending it well, why would he say this?
– My idiocy and silliness? I don’t know why it pinched me. Where am I silly and idiot in this? He genuinely thinks this about me? This is how he wants to end it?
– Was I wrong in replying 2 weeks after his last call? Maybe he moved on till then and saw me as an annoyance?
– He is the one who has been contacting, this was the first time I texted myself that too in response to his calls and he is writing dont dare contact me as if I have been calling him.
– Has he no realization nothing at alll? I can’t help but picture him laughing and making fun of me calling me an idiot in front of his friends. I don’t want him to contact, that is precisely why I had sent that text but now his reply and no call thereafter is making me feel so utterly disappointed.

I want nothing to do with this, I am moving forward and early next morning, I’ll start my forward journey of self-development, starting with a positive conclusion post here, but I just wanted to get this out of me before starting that.

Do let me know Anita what you feel about it and it’ll be great if you could help me with my questions. I know this is a naïve wondering but letting it out already feels good. I’ll try getting some sleep meanwhile and await your reply.

Regards,

Jenny.