Dear Lily:

“I feel so much behind in life”- I was so much behind in life when I was much older than you. I am no longer behind in life because I am engaged in life, not because I achieved certain things (which is what I used to believe it meant, to catch up in life/ to not be behind).

In the context of having adequate food and shelter/ very basic comforts- to catch up/ to not be behind, does not mean to get more money and more material things, and it doesn’t mean having a certain number of friends, and a boyfriend, and it doesn’t mean being employed or having career accomplishments. There are plenty of examples of very rich people, with lots of friends and who accomplished career success on an international level, and yet they committed suicide, literally leaving their lives behind.

To not be behind means to be engaged in life as a participant, instead of being an observer in life (who amply criticizes the one observed!). It means to be stop observing and criticizing yourself long enough to get curious about life outside you, other people, wanting to find  out more, to understand more.

Regarding K, in my understanding, moving forward and becoming engaged if life means to leave him behind you. Get curious about other people. There are other men in the world, billions of men who.. are not K. Why focus on K? What makes him so special… Frankly, from all that you shared.. I noticed nothing special at all. (I am sure he was born special, but that special got dull with life, and it no longer shines, as is the case with so many people).

Also, you did not damage him just because you were in his life, you are not poison even though there is this core belief that you have, that you are poison and everyone you touch gets hurt. Believing it doesn’t make it so.

So, please do move on, leave him behind. There are other people to get curious about: who is this person? Who is that person? How wonderful it would be if you do meet someone special!

anita