Hello anita,

Thankyou for writing back and sharing your understanding of your journey.

I realise it is a long path and do get frustrated at times that it isnt faster and I am not fixed or like (insert name of someone I think is wise) on my journey. I also know the feeling of learning things again and again and again until the lesson well and truly is learned and then probably again for good luck. It is very frustrating.

I also know there are areas in my life that I am not learning actively e.g I feel and often am so lazy and out things off I know I should do but also other people would say I am not lazy and I am busy but I know, left to my own devices, I would struggle to get things done. I seem to go through peaks of great activity and then troughs when everything seems pointless. A small of example of this is my house. At certain times it is very tidy and I keep on top of it all and at other times it starts to slip and I think what’s the point as it always needs tidying again and again. A little example but I think it shows I am easily discouraged and often tired. The kind of tired where sleep and food does not help.

In terms of childhood beliefs. Do you have any suggestions about changing those or being able to see them as things in the past. For example the one about not being my the child my parents wanted is based on real life fact e.g. they either directly compared me to others and said how I was lacking or kind of implied it so I KNOW that is true. How can you argue with the facts?

In addition I am very scared of rejection and have been rejected over and over in my life by romantic partners, best friends etc so there is something in me or a behaviour or series of behaviours I do that I cannot yet see objectively or identify that pushes people away and so they leave. Again the belief of “people always leave” is also true as it has happened in my life over and over. I dont know how to deal  or move past beliefs which are true.

At the moment I feel alot of shame and guilt for not living up to my potential at work or in my life. My house isn’t as tidy as I would like, my career isnt as good and I have not yet thought of a good business idea that would allow me to create something of my own making. I often feel like I am bogged down in the detail but dont see the big picture so I do do things e.g volunteering, work etc but it doesnt all fit together in a cohesive way somehow.

I also feel very lonely every day. This makes it hard to be motivated and positive (although I can “put on” those things for a bit e.g  during a work task) as i feel quite negative and angry most of the time.

I may be going off on a tangent here. These were the things that came to mind today. In terms of the journey. I appreciate it an intellectual sense that it will be long, emotionally I have been frustrated about the length before and the fact that after doing x or y I still feel the same inside. Where do you suggest I go now or start?