Dear Nichole:

You are welcome. Because you are working with the public a lot, I hope that once a vaccine is approved, you will be one of the people to get it first, hopefully next month or very early next year. Keep yourself safe best you can, until you get vaccinated.

Your writing is so much calmer than before, much improved, so much so that I got the opportunity to notice your talent. When you lived in Chicago, your writing was too often the the product of a very distressed and overwhelmed brain. In the significant improvement of your writing, I see that you are now significantly mentally healthier than you were before.

In your most recent post, you wrote: “I’ve recently considered contacting my aunt. The one I lived with. There are things I miss about her. But not sure if that’s just nostalgia”-

– it is just nostalgia, and I will show you why and how it is  just nostalgia by taking you for a short ride on memory late. I will refer to your aunt with whom you lived as A:

In July 27-28, 2018 while living in Chicago, in an apartment with your father and younger brother, and close to A and other family members: “My body jolting. My head zapping.. I’m withering away… I can’t keep calm. I feel unsafe… I don’t have anyone to turn to. Not one soul… Should have gone to Florida all along”-

– you were miserable living with and close to your family, including A.

In Sept 24, 2019, while still living in Chicago, in a new apartment, after not being in contact with your family for some time, you wrote: “I have had to have dealings with my family when we lost another family member. I suffered some more gas lighting and projection… between my PTSD and anxiety sometimes it is minute by minute”-

– your family members trigger your PTSD, better not contact A!

Oct 22, 2019: “Before this happened I was totally fine with my alone time. I was leaning toward Florida.. But the wound my family triggered is deep. It has brought that little girl begging for love out of me.. This happens when we are triggered in PTSD and then old programs take over”-

– you don’t want A to trigger your wound/ to bring back that little girl begging for love, so don’t contact her!

On that same day, you wrote: “I like how Florida sounds. Away from everything. No cold. More peaceful. A new routine. New people. Steady therapy. Maybe swimming class. Possibly Zumba or some dance, maybe boxing for anger”-

– if you contact A, your anger will be triggered as well as the PTSD.

January 9, 2020: “Yes, I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things!.. I’m in so much emotional pain, but I have hopes of healing.. pondering life and what to do.. Trying my best and advocating for myself”-

– and then the pandemic happened, Wikipedia states in its entry on the pandemic in Florida that there is evidence that “perhaps as early as the first week of January.. as many as 171 people in Florida .. had shown symptoms now identified with Covid-19”, way earlier than March 1, when the state of Florida reported its first two Covid-19 cases. The history of your move to Florida has been combined with the history of the pandemic. Hopefully 2021 will be a great improvement over 2020, for you and for all Floridians/ all of us.

More regarding A: right after you moved into her house on December 31, 2018, you missed the tiny apartment where you lived earlier, you felt “very lonely”-

– that’s nostalgia toward your younger brother and father and nephew (or niece, I forgot).

Then in January 2019, you were “doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear”, your aunt was driving you crazy, calling you “in the morning on her way to work, on her lunch, when she gets off work.. She is a little passive aggressive and controlling”. Next you had a couple of two good nights when you felt “so much peace to just sit and think”. But in February, you had a “Bad bad day.. the ups and downs are draining”.

Still in February, less than two months living with A, you wrote: “moving with my aunt was a terrible decision. I hate it now”. During March, your mind was “all over the place”, then you had a “decent couple of days”. In April, you felt “up and down but .. happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless”, working three jobs and managing to save money.

May 2019: “living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative”, and you looked for a room to rent so to move out of her house. You felt that your aunt wanted to bring you down: “the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down.. she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her.. I am so ready to get out!”.

Later, still May,  you shared that at the wake for another aunt, A “smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out”. Following that experience, you wrote: “I feel like I cannot spend one more night here with my aunt!.. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures.. my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down”. During May you had to get out of your aunt’s house so often, that you spent a lot of the money you managed to save on hotels, all before you finally left your aunt’s house for good.

But then, in June 2019, while living in a rented room, you felt “empty and longing for my family.. I miss.. my aunt’s place.. I want my family to save me”-

– that’s nostalgia. With all your misery in A’s house (in between a few better days here and there), and in that Wake,  so much misery that you spent tons of money on hotels, just to get away from A- — after all that, you .. missed her. I can’t think of a better example of nostalgia

In summary: nostalgia= missing people who brought you pain and missing times when you were miserable so much of that time, that’s what you are experiencing when you miss A or any other family member. Your idea that your family will save you- that ship has sailed a long, long time ago, as far as reality is concerned, so please let go of that idea, that hope.

You were worse when in Chicago, living with and close to your family; you are better in Florida, and you should get even better when the pandemic is over next year. I can tell you are mentally better by your writing. Don’t contact family members who will trigger your anxiety and PTSD and anger.

anita