Dear noname:

I can’t believe it- you are back! I thought about you a few days ago, thinking that I will probably never read from you again! What a pleasant surprise, it feels like a Christmassy surprise, just in time for the holidays!

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation so generously, just as you have in the past. I am glad you and your roommate are okay, having had Covid, no symptoms. I did not have Covid as far as I know and am fine, thank you.

Also good to read that you stopped/ limited contact with your parents and that you reached a new level of acceptance of the fact that for the rest of your life, your parents will never be what you needed them to be.

In the last three paragraphs of your recent post (more than 8 months since your last post, March 26), you shared that your “emotional safety needs” are keeping you from being your best self. When you are scared/ feeling unsafe, your negative core beliefs of being worthless and unlovable get activated, as well as the suicidal ideation that accompany these core beliefs. When you feel safe within connection with people, friends or the rare healthy romantic relationships, you feel good about yourself and “motivated to do more good in the world, reach out to people, be vulnerable, courageous, etc.”

You “need to be seen & heard”- your roommate is a great friend but gets into “fix it’ mode” instead of listening to you. You wanted to be seen and heard by her, not to be a fix-it project. Your friend from your hometown “always listens with patience” but you don’t get to see him often because of Covid. You have a local friend whom you see about twice a month who is also a good listener, but you need more than that.

“I still struggle with wondering if I even need to be looking outside myself for human connection at all”-

– I don’t believe that you are able to not look  outside yourself for human connection because you are human, a social animal. Unlike other animals we can think elaborately, using a huge vocabulary, but we are still just as socially needy as other social animals, we are born to look outside ourselves for human connection. And the very connection with others cause the release of feel-good chemicals in our brains.

“I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how to exist feeling emotionally safe while alone?”-

– yes, imagine that you are not alone; this is how I survived many years of loneliness, of being very much alone. I chose elaborate love stories that I played in my head, especially when listening to romantic songs. It gave me so much pleasure (those feel-good chemicals), pleasure that interrupted the otherwise painful depression. Maybe you can write a love story on the computer, bring it to life with your words… ?

I am not suggesting that this is all you do- daydream, what I am saying that it is a way to get the feel-good chemicals going when alone.

anita