Dear Jenny:

I am fine, thank you. And you are welcome.

“my almost no-problem problem”- being troubled with self-doubt as often as you have been, in every context, not just regarding this man, having had a troubled relationship with a man for years, and still obsessing about him for so long- these is not a no-problem: it is a problem.

“There are just small little things, nothing major”- you are minimizing the things/ problems that trouble you, prefacing what you are about to share about a problem with trying to soothe the listener (me, in this case) with something like: don’t worry about me, I am okay, it’s not a big deal, other people’s problems are real, mind is.. not really a problem. It’s a no-problem.

But it is a problem, and better attend to the problem, or problems, with the serious attitude the problems call for.

“he said how he screwed up with me, how his life has been a mess after me… etc. etc… literally begged for me back.. I .. told him there is none.. that my trust in him is broken”, he then persisted and when you insisted that the relationship is over, he “almost lashed out” at you. Next, you told him to “just stop all this and hung up”.

You then wrote that you don’t obsess about him or “about anything that much anymore”.. but you still obsess: “Is it possible that he’ll never change? .. even the most callous of partners must become serious after marriage maybe? I mean how can anyone stay rude and selfish forever… how can he be so selfish but then again come back and pursue for like more than a year now as if he loves me too much”-

– you are holding on to the idea that he loves you after all, and that the relationship with him was your personal Fairytale, one that should/ must be comparable to your parents’ Fairytale.

You wrote back in September about your Fairytale (it being what I refer to as your Fairytale): “a part of me wants to carry it in my heart, wants to hold it special.. I don’t WANT to.. let it go”.

About your parents’ Fairytale “they (parents) have one of the most beautiful relationships that I have ever seen.. childhood sweethearts, each other’s first..”, and your own Fairytale:  “When I got together with R, I was 21, it was my first emotional and physical love and I remember telling him that he is my own fairytale.. one of the reasons why I.. am obsessed with not letting it go is because I feel like my fairytale is slipping away”.

Jenny, it seems to me that for you to let go of your incorrect perception of a personal Fairytale with this man is to let go of your incorrect perception of your parents’ Fairytale: their relationship and marriage WAS NOT and IS NOT a Fairytale.

For as long as you hold on to an incorrect perception of the reality of your parents’ marriage, you will also hold to the incorrect perception of your relationship with this man.

“My parents also had few fights, a couple of them did become pretty nasty… The nasty fights .. were mostly about mom being upset about something and talking about it for maybe 2-3 days”-

– having learned about your tendency to minimize, I am guessing that there were many more than just a few fights, and more than a couple nasty fights.

* Your father did not participate in the fights: your mother did all the fighting by herself. He was submissive (“doesn’t have an opinion of his own and will just say what mom says”).

You wrote back in September about what happens when “a close one dies”, “some of us mourn and learn to move on.. while some of us mourn and then get on with life but always carry them and remember then almost daily, as if keeping them alive within.. I think I’m the second kind of mourner”-

– I hope the Fairytale dies in your mind. In reality, if it ever lived in the beginning of your parents’ relationship- it died long ago, way before you were born, I am guessing. Mourn its death, and your own Fairytale, one that brought you lots of misery and self-doubt- it will die as well.

anita