I agree with most of your point Anita. At times I do feel like I am reaching, but I do not feel that I am knowingly looking for evidence that may confirm what I hope to be true. It’s more that I’ve doubted do much that it can be true (that he loves me and perhaps see a future) that I actually notice when he does something that questions this doubt. So while it seems like I am trying to reaffirm a belief, it is more as though I just really can’t tell what is real anymore.

I wouldn’t say that I resign myself to the idea that things are fated completely. I don’t really believe this, I think we still have some free will within the framework. I do believe that people come into our lives for different reasons and that each person that we form unique bonds with has purpose for our lives. The things that feel fated with this man are more like synchronicities than a belief that we have to end up together. I believe more in what is revealed is what is meant, so I don’t hold the preconceived idea that I have to be with this man. I feel a kinship with him. We lived within a block of each other growing up in a large city, and there was no way I would’ve known this until meeting him. We also worked in the same plaza inna different location at the same time. His sister and me worked at the same spa within a few months of each other, etc. Odd things like that, that I guess could be coincidences. I just feel that my life is tied to him in odd ways.

Like I’ve said before I would rather it be neat and tidy. I’d rather believe I am not the one for him and we could go on in our lives and he could find the one. Usually when someone tells me it’s over and done they don’t continue to pursue me and build experience with me, but besides that point, I am usually happy to believe them because usually it reaffirms for me that THEY are not the one. I had one boyfriend tell me this in the past and I accepted it and moved out from our living situation but I did not fully believe him. Within a month he wrote me a letter about how much he wanted to be with me and was going through something and we were together for three more years. Sometimes what someone says at face value just doesn’t add up or feel right, as much as it would be easier and neater if it did. That’s the problem I’m having here. I always think of Shakespeare “doth though protest too much”. I feel as though something is off when this man tells me he doesnt see me as the one, which hasn’t been recently btw. I feel as though he is almost creating this as the story for himself to fit what suits his defense mechanisms. But anyways beyond all the psychoanalysis, I know I have to do what is healthy for me too eventually. And I may just kindly need to take time for myself eventually. I do hope we are in each other’s lives as friends for life. Because even if we both find other partners there is nothing more beautiful than a friendship that stands the test of time. I still feel that we are changing each other.

Sorry for the block of text. This is on my phone. Can’t really edit well without my computer.