@NBC

To tag someone put @ in front of their username like above.

This thread by @Shelbyville has been a huge part of my decisions so I hope it equally helps you. The posters on this thread are wise, warm, challenging, fair and non judgemental. I’m happy to return the warmth I received.

Don’t let anyone stop you from dreaming. Life can be whatever you will, with a positive vibe.

Yes, your definition of chemistry is in line with mine. Initially I used to think chemistry was purely fireworks and physical but I’ve evolved and matured.

I’m sorry to read of your betrayal those type of relationships can leave deep wounds and unless we face the pain head on and reach peace, the wounds will continue to impact subsequent relationships. I hope you have taken time to work through your emotions surrounding that chapter in your life.

In reference to your ‘B’ it appears you definitely shared a very deep emotional bond. Often this can be the basis of an incredible relationship. However from your dialogue there also seems to have been different mitigating factors to B and I.

You asked for reasons why he hasn’t contacted you or pursued a serious relationship now he’s a free man. Here are some reasons (good and bad)

1) You mentioned he finally got a divorce, which is a big decision. He probably has not healed. Hence the possible reference to being a “mess” – if this is the case he’s done you a favour by not reinserting himself back into your life when he can’t give you an equal footed relationship. Becoming involved with an emotionally unavailable man would only bring you pain and eventually resentment.

2) Although you perceived your bond to be deep and meaningful. He’s a man he may have compartmentalised and boxes you off as his form of escapism or emotional crutch ☹ – if he was not divorced when you met or still hung up on his relationship with his ex then that is also emotional cheating on his part. You’re lucky to have escaped yourself in that case! You deserve better than that type of relationship.

3) If he made mistakes like me but the connection was genuinely real then he maybe hasn’t reached an impasse? He hasn’t done any growth. You shouldn’t wait for him. You should always carry on if your paths converge again then if you feel so strongly still then go for it. B did this she moved on, was happy and striving still.

4) Oh another thing to note about men is we can be physically attracted, have great chemistry but not develop romantic attraction due to an inner conflict. Maybe he is confused like I was so doesn’t even know what he needs or wants. Unless he explores he will waste his own time and continue to do that with anyone he encounters.

If your relationship was like mine and ‘B’ with reflection any guy would have incredible regret. But not many can put their pride/fears aside to act on it.

I can only derive conclusions based on experience and typical male behaviour.

However, so many questions and pain could be resolved by just communicating directly with him. Given it has been 5 years I suggest you do contact him and ask him directly you have nothing to lose, it seems you had no closure to that chapter.

‘B’ was always the type to let bygones be bygones and break any silence because she is just so open, kind and nurturing. So when she didn’t contact me and the months rolled on. Do you know what my ego had me believe?

She was not genuine, she didn’t care etc and I projected my negative feelings onto her. Had I not grown up my ego could have cost me so much. A lot of the times it’s nothing to do with the other person but our own conflicts.

Making amends with ‘B’ brought so much to the surface for both of us and it was cathartic. Even if she had chose to not try again, I know I had done the best thing for both our souls and healing.

Why do I think you haven’t found someone new? It could be a whole range of reasons, the answer lies within you.

• Have you genuinely invested in yourself and moved on?
• You may be comparing the new prospects to him?
• You still hold hope for him?
• You think you want commitment but deep down you do not know what you want or need in a relationship?
• You may have low self esteem and think you don’t deserve better as a result of your other betrayal.

I think the main thing is you don’t have closure. If you did you’d make better choices for yourself and not curve so many people for one person who after 5 years failed to step up.

You need acceptance and peace, with self discovery you may be able to give it to yourself like ‘B’. You just need to clear your thoughts and listen to your soul and do what’s best for you.

Maybe you haven’t found someone new because your wounds from this “emotional affair ” are still there 5 years on alongside the betrayal and you don’t realise you deserve better?

What i did for ‘B ‘ may read as a fairy tale and I don’t want people to think that’s it – happily ever after. I deeply wounded another person and currently things are bliss, but I still have a long way to go. Although some of the bits you’ve read are romantic and our connection really is beautiful there was a lot of pain and sometimes in all honesty I wanted to throw in the towel. Its working at it together and that’s what is key.

I don’t have any close female friends, I’ve always been between billy no mates or a lads lad! I am a very hot blooded male so if I was physically attracted to a woman that I happen to be very close friends with, I’d probably ruin the friendship. Which is why finding my best friend and lover in ‘B’ is so special. On flip side I have double to lose.

You know my brothers partner he once saw her like his bros but one day something changed. So you never know don’t rule out all your male friends. Timing plays a big role.

In the end it may just be a number game if you are well developed, mature and emotionally healthy!

Hope it helps mate!