@NBC I’ve never looked in my emails until today. It appears @Dannydan is my tag. I normally check in when I’m free and reply to any posts addressed to me.

In your situation, objectively I can state there was a glaring red flag there from the beginning (married man – I don’t judge you btw) so no matter how cautious you were planning on being you were setting yourself up for a fall.

Well done for not sleeping with him. He was always going to fail you because there were 3 people in the equation, the times he pulled away was probably when he tried to reconcile or reconnect with his wife. Even if their relationship had ceased to exist I guarantee mentally his ex took up a lot of his headspace and it’s looking likely he used you as an escape hence the 2017 response.

You said you should give it a year but some men can remain emotionally unavailable forever after a broken relationship and never grow.

The key is to never wait for anyone, open your heart and you might find better, move forward and if he re enters willingly then entertain any lingering desire if it’s still there. Think about it if he really misses you and has regrets he will do what I did, overcome the fears and change his way by growing up. Act like a real man and show up. Otherwise he probably sent the message in 2019 out of boredom. Don’t message him, that’s my advice.

You should never settle if you are not having your needs met. When you do settle for less, then needs always have a way of making their way to the surface. So keep searching but don’t make it your whole purpose. There is more to life than being in a relationship.

I wish @Shelbyville could reply to you because you mentioned you feel like her. However it got me thinking at one point I too was like that wanting what I couldn’t have. It posed a challenge. Then I matured and flipped my mentality.

I realised it was the other way around where subconsciously I was pushing away someone that wanted me (B).

When someone says you are enough it’s almost like all these alarms go off saying error error. You project and think there’s something wrong with the other person when really most often it is an inner issue within us.

Sometimes it is the other person not being the right person but that’s why you ask yourself serious questions and discover your exact needs/wants in a serious relationship, to separate genuine doubts from fears.

If this is repeatedly happening and you are only allowing yourself to like people whom you already know subconsciously don’t feel the same about you then it’s highly probable that’s it’s also happening in other issues of your life. It’s all in one’s mentality : you are in that space of insecurity, neediness and unworthiness.You feel like you are not good enough and you are nervous about being rejected and seek validation.

I understand the need for that combination of emotional, romantic, sexual and intellectual connect. I need that too, everyone does. ‘B’ possesses all 4 now but at one point I never felt that romantic attraction.

It took time and compromise, even though emotionally I could share deep things, felt at ease. Intellectually we’re on par. Sexually I couldn’t keep my hands of her, her banter is enough to arouse me etc. The love and being vulnerable took time.

Many people feel very beholden to their libido, thinking that their lust is some sort of chemical fairy godmother that predicts sexual and thus romantic compatibility. Don’t fall into that trap.

After all liking those who don’t like you has never ended well has it? The betrayal of A. The rejection by B. So how mutual was it really?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Danny.