@Dannydan

Funny, I write a reply to you, give it some time for the dust to settle and maybe add something. Sometimes, I come up with further developments / questions / ideas, and when you answer, your text somehow naturally leads me to voice those. It is a very, very useful discussion for me! I can only hope that you are deriving something out of it for yourself, too!

she really makes me feel young, content in my own skin and proud to have her as my fiancé!

I am very happy for you and, naturally, a little bit envious of B 😉 Just as the other ladies, I would love to have a beau who thinks that way, too!

But I have a question along the lines. I am not doubting your feelings, I keep my fingers crossed for your happily-ever-after (with a realistic tinge, of course), but I can’t help but wonder about the seeming contradiction. Aren’t we supposed to be content in our own skin before meeting somebody? Don’t they say that it is not your partner’s job to make you feel safe and secure? But then what do you need a partner for? Just to procreate? I am probably trying to rationalise that which shouldn’t be. I hear about a website for those who don’t want romance, but want a family and children with somebody who shares their values and interests. I don’t think I could ever register there.

So you think you’re looking for a real commitment but deep down you are in fact averse to it hence your choices. Right now you may just be filling a void of some sort – this is very interesting because somebody else said the very same thing.

And for the life of me, I can’t understand what it is, I look deep inside and I don’t find aversion to commitment when I am infatuated. (Of course, like with those men 25+, I can see that there is no future, but it feels so good to daydream!) True, I acknowledge, when I studied, all my energy was focused on that. Hence no relationship that could be truly called a relationship back then. When B said that his son of 15 years had a girlfriend, I thought this was way too soon. A came along when I was 23. I can also understand that when A and I were together, I was also sort of half focused on finishing up some of the materials from that study period, hence my staying with him for too long. (There were a number of other reasons as well such as him being my #1 and me desperately wanting to make it work). But now? When I am more relaxed with my “duty” behind me? I look inside myself as deeply as I possibly can and don’t see it. Same with the void. Truly clueless.

You mentioned in an earlier post you struggle or very selective in letting someone hold your hand, perhaps there’s a fear of intimacy there too – I think this is just natural “pickiness” and squeamishness coupled with a long history of one, maximum two loving relationships in my family on both sides (the first one failing through no fault of theirs). Like, inherited monogamy (and not serial monogamy) genes. Add to this strong conviction and desire to have high-quality material and not to settle for less. But then they start telling me that my bar is so high, that is why no one has the guts to approach. I lower the bar and get rubbish. And then guys like you tell me that my values and standards should have been upheld no matter what…

You may have not worked through the deeper wounds from your long term relationship with ‘A’ – this is something I have been wondering all along. You (and others before) have mentioned healing. Could you elaborate? How did healing go for you after A?

Older guy attraction might also be a family trait. My father is 15 years older than my mother. But it was a second marriage for both. My aunt’s marriage at 21 was her first, but my uncle (second marriage for him) was six years older, which is not usual for students in the late 1960s – early 1970s. My mother said that she had always been attracted to older guys (she was 25 when she married my father).

I have a friend who is just as I attracted to older guys. And her parents are of the same age. She says that they are great friends, but she would want them to be more romantic towards each other. At some point, that friend of mine decided that she would never marry (hookups here and there were enough for her), but she wanted a child. So she got one from a donor.

I replied to you and noticed that I had mentioned two categories of around 60-something. One is where I don’t understand what attracts these ‘grandpas’ to me. The other is – well, some 58-60-year-olds can look ten years younger, have no bear belly and if one adds the charisma that comes with authority and position in life, the woman (me) can be doomed.

I did think about a therapist. The main thing that stops me is that it is extremely hard to find a good therapist. For instance, one of my girlfriends now studies to be a life coach. I am not sure I want to receive relationship advice from somebody who cheated on her husband with her second cousin and then, when the relationship with her husband turned stale (two years later, not at the time of cheating), messaged him, met him and married him. She keeps hammering about some coaches of hers. Turns out these coaches have themselves been divorced once or twice. She says no big deal, it just proves that they have had experience in life!

Even with the psychology books that I read, I am very particular about who writes them.

Another thing about a therapist is that it seems the looks is indeed the driving force for me. To define it further, not so much the looks by themselves, but the chemistry, that impalpable something I ‘feel’ from the person. (You would be surprised if you saw the appearance of all the men mentioned in my ‘list’ – very different.) I am not sure whether therapy might change that. I do concede though that if my head is set ‘right,’ it may change the ‘feel’ that I get from this or that man and, accordingly, my attraction.

Also some people seem to agree that the right healthy person can also help one to heal fully. I do hope that this is Shelbyville’s case.

Thank you for putting the final dots on my i’s about seeing somebody I don’t like from the start and for how much time to give to the ones I have neutral towards.

And thank you for talking to me like a friend, with no judgement and all. Have you ever thought about becoming a counsellor? 😊

Most of my male friends are also my coworkers, we are all in a big extensive network. Sometimes, we have projects together and we can (hmm, ‘could’ because of covid) work on some of their aspects at a café or discuss topics at lunch. Most of them are in a relationship or already married with kids. I don’t forget to look around but unless I get that sudden urge to hug somebody, it is very rare that I meet somebody and I can see myself with him.

Oh, am I unusual in this by the way? I mean that if I meet a prospective partner, I immediately put him in a bathrobe and deciding whether I like the image in my mind’s eye. Or think would I want to see him day in and day out at my dinner table. Or whether I can see myself being intimate with him? More often than not the answer is no.

I read that there is a scale for homosexuality, and people can actually find themselves at different points on it, not just the ends of the spectrum. I may be wrong, but there may be the same for loves in a person’s life. I don’t believe that we meet just one Big Great Love in our lifetime (that is, that all the others, if present, are mere infatuations, etc.) But it does seem that some people fall in love very often whereas others don’t. I am not sure where that ‘resume’ as you put it puts me (given that a lot of these infatuations pass in a matter of weeks), but a lot needs to happen before I can decide that yes, I can allow myself to be intimate with the man.

I think just being open, honest about your intentions is the way forward. If you want something serious you ask for it from the beginning and take the risk.

With ‘B’ I lied I said I was serious and acted like an Alpha and a player.

Yes, I think this is what happened with A and me at some point. His internal priorities had changed, but he didn’t have the guts to look deep inside himself and acknowledge them. And even if he had, he failed to communicate them to me. (But I don’t think he was that self-aware in fact.)

Chased her but somewhere in that I became drawn – this was my hidden wish for B. But your story, however real, only proves that exceptions are not the rule. And we should stop looking up to them because it only messes us up. We need to look at the rule, not exceptions. Exceptions are there to prove the rule or so they say.

All i can say is just because ‘B’ and I are happy now doesn’t mean it will last forever. However I’m committing with intention to pull my weight and as long as we both keep doing that together we will succeed in achieving a long happy union. – This is true and this is very important. Also, this is where my A stopped trying.

Try and write a letter as if you were your friend in your exact position. What advice would you give?

I thought about this. I think I am finally in a place where I can try to take action. You know that joke about winning lottery? – why don’t you at the very least go and purchase a ticket before you beg about winning a million! I am thinking about trying online dating. I heard both good and bad things about it, maybe it is time to give it a go.

Would be curious to hear a more detailed timeline of @Shelbyville’s experiences. I remember reading where she wrote that she felt so old-school. I wonder how many men she had to go through before things started getting serious with her current boyfriend?

If you are still struggling with closure to that chapter with B, don’t let pride stop you from contacting him. – So you think it would be okay to contact him with the same question? You don’t think he’ll think I am obsessed with him, a freak who can’t tell the difference between a short-term fling and a serious commitment? Who doesn’t understand plain English? Or worse, who could be exploited? Or that I am a gold digger?

I can’t say I am struggling. It is more like I can’t understand how somebody who not just nodded and said “yes, naturally” as my A to my remarks about life and people’s behaviour (I am now not so sure whether he just played along or really listened to me, but at the time I thought he was listening – you know like even on the phone you can tell whether the other person is still there or not?), but who wrote things in our email exchange and chat that matched my perceptions could behave so ambiguously?

To tell you the truth, I decided to wait until autumn. For two reasons, and they are intertwined. One, it will have been more than a year after the divorce. Two, hopefully, the pandemic will have subsided. Both of these mean that he might be ready to contact me; he might start dating and realise he wants me, plus his grown-up kids won’t be in the way for sure; I will start dating and may completely forget him. What do you say

There was also one quote, something that goes along the lines of “if you have a feeling as if you are imposing yourself, you ARE imposing yourself.” I don’t like the feeling of stalking or pursuing him. Especially, after his “a very good friend” and then post on Twitter about the opportunity to zoom all of your friends, even those whom you might have forgotten, during the pandemic and quarantine. There have been multiple opportunities to inquire about me, even to worry about how I was doing – and nothing. I am aware of this.

Maybe if you are having those thoughts about a 15 year old, it’s better to avoid 1 on 1 time. 15 year old boys are horny little things you don’t want to land in trouble unknowingly. – ha-ha, no, there are players of all ages and levels, and his mother or father is always present 😉 But he is a very quiet thoughtful guy. I just noticed some time ago that he started addressing me specifically, a sentence here, a sentence there, sharing minor things about his life. And I get a feeling, not very defined though. Maybe he just feels that we are both of the “race of Joseph” as the expression from Anne of Green Gables goes.