@NBC

It’s only right that the time and guidance I was given is returned. So I’m glad I’m helping in someway on this thread.

The posters on here especially @Shelbyville were non judgemental and kept it 💯. So I want to carry on in that vain for others too.

It’s funny you say I’d be a good counsellor, according to ‘B’ I’m very attentive and give good advice. I think it’s a lot easier to be objective with others.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you exactly why you are not in a committed relationship. But I can tell you never compare yourself to others, there’s no timeline you must adhere to be “successful”.  Don’t pressurise yourself, that’s when you’ll end up more unhappy.

The reason why I mentioned not lowering your physical parameters is because honestly you put a lot of emphasis on that aspect.

I thought men were the visual ones. Hence why you’re more likely to find a hot woman with an average looking man than vice versa.

But you’re giving men a run for their money ahaha!!

I suspect you’ll hurt people if you lower your standards and effectively lead them on, if you can’t re-educate your attraction. So it’s better to be upfront and not waste peoples time or play with their emotions if you know it’s a no for yourself.

It’s not inherently wrong to value physical/sexual attraction, just as long as you’re not letting that one preference dictate who you date alone. Sexual attraction is important in healthy relationships, intimacy and seeing your partner as a sexual being is what keeps partners passionate about one another.

But that said, you can change your overall attraction for someone by re educating yourself. I’m proof.

I thought I’d never develop a deep romantic attraction to ‘B’ without acting on my physical attraction and gaining ‘entry’ first. I have always been hot blooded, when I reined that in and focused on her other qualities, our love and intimacy flourished. So I lowered my physical parameters and I found an enduring bond.

I have found that most women also tend to have ridiculous checklists though before they even say hello! So assess if that is you. If so, try being more flexible and open. You might find someone who surprises you.

When it comes to ideals, values or beliefs never ever lower them (that’s an injustice to your self), the right man will wait, accept them and compromise with you.

How did healing go for me after A?

It went something like this
1. Anger – this came first for me. I was embarrassed, hurt betrayed etc.
2. Pain – unreal pain, crying, Feeling lost.
3. Shutdown – Blocked it all out never spoke a word to them again and compartmentalised.
4. “Moving on” – advised by the lads (who I’ve distanced myself from now) to go on Tinder and apps and get revenge. Followed very bad advice!
5. Became a cold dick, emotionally unavailable
6. My bros illness is what tethered me back to reality and shook me. Then all the all my emotions flooded me and literally felt like I was about to drown.
7. God sent an angel ‘B’, she pulled me out, started to heal with her and I felt something real for the first time but I screwed it up
8. She’s the woman who built me up, once I was confident and on my feet, I’m so ashamed but I just blocked out and went straight into another relationship with ‘C’. I treated ‘C’ well, and implemented what I learned from ‘B’. The sex was great, we had even labelled our relationship but I still felt so hollow it wasn’t the right fit, we both knew it so split up amicably.
9. Spent months alone faced my demons, questioned myself, explored my emotions.
10. Made peace with my ex best friend and A for their betrayal. Told them exactly how their actions impacted me, but I accepted the outcome, wished them happiness. (I no longer hate them, I’m indifferent could only reach that state by confronting the pain they caused)
11. I thought A was real love, but I recognise it for what it was – first love, that’s why it was so painful to let go. She took a piece of my heart, it will always belong to her but I would never accept that ‘love’ now.
12. Sought my own happiness based on my reflection, without the demons holding me back this led me back to ‘B’.
13. Made amends with ‘B’
14. Found the meaning of real love in ‘B’ – my soul is at peace.
15. Learning and growing together.

It was an emotional rollercoaster. Confronting and working through all my emotions ultimately healed me. That included admitting my pain, guilt, mistakes, apologising, acknowledging what love is and isn’t etc.

You may not be averse to commitment whilst infatuated because infatuation by it’s very nature is thrilling and exciting. So you chase it. You said yourself you are very physically inclined. Maybe when that wears off you have no real experience or knowledge of what you need in a solid adult relationship. You may not know what real love entails or is meant to feel like? So maybe you need to create a list of things that are not physical which are vital for your soul.

When I say content in my own skin, with A I placated a lot, I did things for her just to keep her. I was not 100% authentic. Even though I wasn’t consciously aware that she was about to betray me. Subconsciously I was reacting already, I would bend over backwards to cater to her and make her happy that same energy was not returned.

When I reunited with B, I made it clear, I would never disrespect her again but I would never be a YES man again either. With B I can be grouchy, fully authentic and feel content knowing she loves me regardless. In all my relationships she’s the first to ever comprehend my emotional needs. I’ve never experienced that and honestly it’s just an incredible feeling. So although I’m happier with my improvements and who I’ve become as a man. Naturally in a relationship you need a partner who will also accept all of you. Otherwise it’s not love.

B and I are not together during this lockdown and I miss her tremendously but I also feel security on my own. So relying solely on someone else to give you that feeling is when you know it’s not healthy.

You asked if you are content on your own, what do you need a partner for?

You need a partner for exploration of sexual desires – you could do this casually or on your own but it’s so hollow compared to when you have a loving partner.

You need a partner as a companion – you can share thoughts with friends but finding a best friend in your partner is incredible. The intimacy increases. You have that one person who is your rock and vice versa.

You need a partner who can challenge you to grow – having B there supporting me, has resulted in emotional growth, increase in productivity, positive impact on all my relationships etc.

Procreation – creating mini me’s together to teach etc is incredible. You can do this without a partner but not a route I’d pursue. I’m very traditional in certain things.

Relationships show us how to love. Help with emotional wellbeing, create further purpose and stability in life. As long as you’re with someone who allows you to be authentic, being in a relationship can be better but it comes down to being in the right relationship.

Each to their own in regards to preferences. Whether that’s sugar daddy or toyboy. But with the 15 yo be wary, even if you’re kindred spirits it’s easy to fall into a trap, when given much needed attention after a long time.

I learn from others experiences and researching, and the therapist is just a suggestion. I had suggested a couple therapist to B when we first reunited but in the end by being transparent with each other we have achieved a strong foundation of respect and trust.

It’s important to be open though, there’s no harm in exploring an idea from someone it might lead to your answer inadvertently.

For example @Shelbyville proposed the theory of journeymate. I’d never come across this before. Instead of just accepting or dismissing it I researched it. In the end it challenged me and spurred me to get meaning rather than move on.

I found healing with the right person – B. But I had to also reach a place by myself. I knew it was vital to offer her something too. It has to be balanced. Otherwise your partner will feel like a ‘therapist’ or parental figure and attraction declines and they begin to feel emotionally drained, resentment kicks in etc.

I don’t know how @Shelbyville is doing right now or her timeline with men. I’m not aware of her full story but @Sammy may be able to help she’s read this whole thread. Hopefully she can report back to you if Shelbyville doesn’t.

Exceptions prove the rule exists. B and I are not the rule. But if you really want something you make an exception. You fight for it. The ladies on here all told me to leave ‘B’ to heal and move on. I knew deep down there was unfinished business, I wanted to be her exception, she was mine. She wanted me enough and allowed me to be.

Online dating is an option, may suit you as you can filter out anyone you visually can’t see yourself with but you have to be on guard, many catfish and con artists lurk there.

After 5 years, he is still on your mind, you haven’t found closure by yourself so contacting him sooner rather than later will stop you possibly wasting more of your life! Yes your ego might take a hit because you said there have been multiple opportunities for him to inquire about you – and nothing.

However right now you are in a holding space. Unable to move forward. So why will you give him a further 6 months to play on your mind. Get your answers now, ask him about the ambiguity, the future anything you feel you need. If he rejects you, wrap it up and heal. By autumn you can then focus on finding the right one if it’s not him!

That’s what I would do.