Anita

I thought that I could deal with this on my own but I just cannot. I feel as if all the hardwork that I’d done in the last one year, all the ‘let the silence do the talking’, everything, I just blew everything apart and I feel like an utter failure. I honestly feel as if I have failed myself and dropped just where he wanted me.

So in the last couple of days amid which I was interacting with you, one evening I got repeated calls from him, when I finally answered he bluntly told me that he is again in my city and last time do I want to be with him or not. He also said if I want he can come to my place, he was like last time do you want to be with me or not, I said No and he hung up the call.

– I don’t know why I lost it at that moment Anita. I think partly it was his tone, he sounded very rude, partly maybe because I’m PMSing and my hormones were all over the place and partly because I think somewhere I had gotten used to him calling and this seemed like something final. I don’t know but the same night, really late at night, I ended up sending him a long long message, telling him to stop and to stop disrespecting even the relationship by calling like this. I sounded so emotional and vulnerable by that text Anita. He saw it the next morning.

But my foolishness wasn’t done yet. The next day I felt that I’ve been harsh and now that things are actually over, I should not end it on such a bitter note. I can’t believe I forgot all about the things we discussed about how any such so called last talk will only give temporary peace. So then, I recorded him a message and sent it to him via social media which has a provision that you can see when someone see your message and plays any voice recording. When I was online that night, I saw Anita that though he had seen my message hours ago, he hadn’t listened to it yet and I felt very slighted and deleted the recording so that he won’t be able to listen to it any longer.

In the evening, when he must have seen that I deleted the recording, he sent me this message- you’re such a child. Goodbye. And then he blocked me on his social media. As if I’ve been the one after him all this year when he was the one that kept calling.
And like an utter fool I got hurt and called him, one year Anita, One year I held on to my respect, not once did I call him but these few days, I just lost it all. I called him three times in a row and he disconnected my call every time. And then I stopped.
Then as I did tell you, I changed my number.

Don’t judge me Anita, I feel I have disappointed myself so much. I am so angry at me, at him, he calls all year and when finally I do, he disconnects my calls? Then why call all year.
All this while Anita, I was proud that I kept my dignity and didn’t let him back in, that I didn’t call him, that I didn’t show him my vulnerability and now Anita I again just got to the place where I was when he had left and instead of being woman enough to silently walk away, I came across as someone who’s still just where she was when he left, and to think that I was thinking all this while that my silence will make him realise something someday.

I know you’ll say I shouldn’t think about what he’d think but I just, I just failed myself Anita. While I know that this has been brutal enough and I’d never go down that path again but I didn’t want to end up again as someone who he can block and disconnect calls after not letting him in for so long. It’s as if he had his last laugh. I’d hoped for a more graceful end from my side.

– Jenny