Anita,

– Regarding rudeness with mom, this only, talking back. Basically since childhood, I have been told that talking back at parents is bad. Mom literally said ‘you’ve not seen what all parents tell to their children still they listen’. She always said I talk back as if I am as old as her. Regarding rudeness, these things only, ‘you can’t say this to me, I am trying, yes I am not like so and so and I dont even want to be, I remember I once said if you like her more mom, make her only your daughter, just leave how I look and talk alone, I am not some project’. These things basically, though obviously I could have said them in a lower voice and maybe stayed quieter in places. I remember I once told mom in my teens that even a child has respect, you have all rights to call me out on a fault but even though you are my mother, how can you make personal comments about my nature, over which mom had gotten very annoyed at me, so I did talk back more than I should have maybe and crossed lines.

– I don’t know about sadistic Anita but I do see him as very abusive now after reading and reflecting a lot.
I read in that book that ‘inability to raise grievances without being called unreasonable’ is a sign of abuse, R would always put me down for any grievance I had, even his mannerisms, he’d sometimes grab my arm and ask me to shut up, walk out of arguments or hang up the phone, he’d be very loving one moment and then next moment very distant, he’d often walk ahead of me, he was also majorly into parties and his boy night-outs which I was cool with but him constantly picking them above me made me think if we marry, I might sit at home while he parties, he’d never show me any affection in public at all, he always was more concerned about being proper in public at my cost (I had a little bit problem with a dress at a formal function and when I asked for his help, he said very rudely that don’t embarrass me and go to the washroom), even now, I mean he called me for an year and now when I finally called him one time, he disconnected and blocked me as if all he wanted was control and an ego-boost. I think he wanted things on his terms and had no respect for me as an individual. I read in that book that abuse is not about feelings, its about mentality and what we see in our culture. He did say that his father was irritable towards all of them and he did have trouble getting along with him though I didn’t probe.

Jenny