Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delay in response. Hiding away from the world has been a norm for me. I do remember the rooster and glad he has stopped causing trouble.

I did put my trust in the girl who helped me with the tire. The relationship hasn’t gone far though. And that is ok. She was helpful and I am grateful. I do my control issues likely play a role in my relationships not going far. Unconsciously I tend to try and control my experiences in various ways so I am accepted and don’t get hurt and to appear to “be ok”. I have this strong guard up with everything recently. It is so stressful. Riddled in fear most days still. I am starting to recall what you told me over a year ago. Be prepared to be uncomfortable for a while. Or something of that nature. I have been this way my entire life and so changing this stress response and patterns will take time. I guess I am just hoping for a bit more relief than I have had.

Here is my latest dilemma causing me to go into overdrive. I was on unemployment for the past 3 months. I started my job hunt and landed a remote position. This is what I wanted. I also interviewed for an office coordinator position making 7 dollars more. I know I am more than competent for the position, however, I am the furthest thing from feeling confident. I feel like a worthless human being lately so it’s hard to trust myself enough to function.

I had accepted the job with the remote company last week. Today the owner of the local business called me and offered position. I took it. They both start Monday. I do not know how to juggle this decision. My heart is telling me to go for more money as I definitely need to get caught up but I was thrilled to find a remote position. The position is new and being creative and thought I could really express myself. There is a lot of structure there with direct planning and projects daily which I love because not really any guessing on what is happening. Also, the local business is a screen company. It is unique to the trade and I would be in charge with most all administration. It seems like a lot of work. They both do. Which is fine but I am nervous because of course I have memories and flashbacks to the old job with my old boss. Demeaning and cruel at times. Discarded me and acted like I did not exist in the end. I do know I played a role in this as well. But how can I trust I wont create this in my life again when I am in such distress and fear still.

You told me and I lived by it for a long time. Don’t judge my day on how i felt but more on how I functioned. I always carry that with me because it is true. I feel hopeless most days, sometimes so overwhelmed and lost. But my bills are paid. I am showered. My clothes are cleaned. I am fed. I am attending Church tomorrow God Willing. I will go on a walk today. So I keep wondering why my feelings wont align. But then I think back to all the unfelt feelings. And the disconnect from the people who were my tribe. I am alone beside some really kind virtual friends and pen pals like you and Tiny Buddha and my facebook people and a therapist and a group I belong to. But I guess this is my new beginning. I guess my fear is trying to hold me back from moving on.