Dear Lily:

In your new thread, today on Feb 9, 2021, you wrote that without your new thread, “my own thoughts would have just tortured me nonstop. I still am feeling anxious, especially at night”-

– it just so happens that this morning, I re-read and studied important parts of what you shared since January 2016. Maybe my understanding today is better than it was before, and maybe it can help you. So, here it is, stated as simply as I can, and not at great length:

There is no doubt in my mind that you are not a bad person, Lily. I am sure that you are a good person.

You are a good person who often believes that she is a bad person who hurts people. When you see a person who is uncomfortable or distressed, you tend to automatically think that you caused that person’s discomfort: something you said, something you didn’t say, the expression on your face.. maybe your anxiety or awkwardness itself showed and made someone uncomfortable… – the torture.

So, you try very hard to be very careful and to not hurt anyone (which is exhausting!). Problem is that whenever you are around people, someone will be uncomfortable at one time or another: maybe the person slept poorly the night before, or his/ her stomach hurts, maybe that person has a financial worry. Therefore, it is impossible for you to be in a social situation where everyone is always comfortable, calm and content.

And so, whenever you are in a social situation, it is inevitable that someone will be uncomfortable and that you will worry about what you did/ say wrong to have hurt that person.. it is a torture, and a no-win situation.

This is how this torture came about: figuratively, a parent holds a mirror to a child and the child sees who she is in that mirror. The mirror is the parent’s facial expressions, tone of voice, words said and actions taken.

Your father, perhaps the dominant parent in your home of origin,  has been a man who “always sees a lot of flaws in other people… angry or irritated, his voice sounded emotional… judging others” (Feb 2019)- that was your mirror, a man who saw a lot of flaws in everyone, including in you. You heard his angry tone of voice, you heard his words (ex. “You are a disgusting person”), and you felt his hand hitting you, so you naturally believed that you were a disgusting, bad person deserving his judgment and anger.

In Dec 2020, you wrote: “the thought still comes up, when spending time with people. Am I getting on their nerves? Am I annoying them? Hurting them? The thought becomes so horrifying, that I often preferred to avoid social contacts and stuck to myself”- this is your childhood experience (your father being annoyed with you, your father seeming hurt and angry), being re-experienced again and again.

But Lily, in the context of your father and you, there was something wrong with him, not with you. He saw a lot of flaws in everyone, including in your sister whom he favored, this is why she’s been upset with him (“Why is my sister more upset at my parents than me”, Jan 2019), and this is why your father had no friends (“he has no friends”, Nov 2018).

In summary: the mirror was distorted and it still is. In reality, you are not inclined to hurt other people. You are a good person. Oh, how I wish you believe me!

anita