Dear vincent:

First, I will retell what you shared in all of your posts, not including certain details, second: my thoughts and recommendations, third a couple of questions for you that you are welcome to answer, or not.

First part, what you shared: you are currently 18, an only child of two good parents. When you were about 11, you discovered pornography. When you were 12, 13 or 14, you “came to  know what sex and masturbation was”, but “still.. had a lot of question about it”.  At about that time, one day, you initiated a certain happening with a younger girl, and again- the next day. At the time, you thought that your mother would scold you if she ever found out, but you didn’t think of it as a crime.

Six or four years later, at 18, you started thinking that maybe that happening was a crime, and maybe you are a criminal, a “molester or a rapist”, and therefore, you failed your parents and you may not “deserve to live”.

You are experiencing guilt that is affecting your studies, and everything about your life. You want to know if you can “get rid of the guilt”, if what you did was “just experimentation” or “a crime”.

Second part, my thoughts and recommendations: it is easy for you to find out if that happening was a crime. You can make an appointment with a lawyer where you live, a lawyer who is reputable and who knows very well the law where you live, and ask that lawyer if that happening was or is a crime. There might be reliable information online, on a government site in the country where you live, providing the information of whether the happening was a crime at the time.

At 18, you may not have the money to make such an appointment, or it may seem too difficult to do- but think about it- maybe there is a way for you to make such an appointment, maybe you can talk to someone, a school counselor maybe, a teacher, current or former, regarding how to make it happen.

Third part, in regard to the pornography you discovered at 11, I was wondering, did you watch porn  regularly since you were 11, and are you still watching it?

In regard to your parents, how did you hide watching porn from them?

anita