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  • #374439
    vincent
    Participant

    dear anita, i am vincent

     

    as you have i have started a new thread

    for what i have done this thought came to me randomly. i don’t know what to do .

    all i need a single reason that i could use to justify that what i did was not a crime instead it was just experimentation

    also i am really trying to forget this thought and i would really appreciate if you could give me some tips

    this is affecting my studies , my life , everything

    thankyou

    #374442
    anita
    Participant

    Dear vincent:

    First, I will retell what you shared in all of your posts, not including certain details, second: my thoughts and recommendations, third a couple of questions for you that you are welcome to answer, or not.

    First part, what you shared: you are currently 18, an only child of two good parents. When you were about 11, you discovered pornography. When you were 12, 13 or 14, you “came to  know what sex and masturbation was”, but “still.. had a lot of question about it”.  At about that time, one day, you initiated a certain happening with a younger girl, and again- the next day. At the time, you thought that your mother would scold you if she ever found out, but you didn’t think of it as a crime.

    Six or four years later, at 18, you started thinking that maybe that happening was a crime, and maybe you are a criminal, a “molester or a rapist”, and therefore, you failed your parents and you may not “deserve to live”.

    You are experiencing guilt that is affecting your studies, and everything about your life. You want to know if you can “get rid of the guilt”, if what you did was “just experimentation” or “a crime”.

    Second part, my thoughts and recommendations: it is easy for you to find out if that happening was a crime. You can make an appointment with a lawyer where you live, a lawyer who is reputable and who knows very well the law where you live, and ask that lawyer if that happening was or is a crime. There might be reliable information online, on a government site in the country where you live, providing the information of whether the happening was a crime at the time.

    At 18, you may not have the money to make such an appointment, or it may seem too difficult to do- but think about it- maybe there is a way for you to make such an appointment, maybe you can talk to someone, a school counselor maybe, a teacher, current or former, regarding how to make it happen.

    Third part, in regard to the pornography you discovered at 11, I was wondering, did you watch porn  regularly since you were 11, and are you still watching it?

    In regard to your parents, how did you hide watching porn from them?

    anita

     

    #374473
    vincent
    Participant

    dear anita,

    first of all thankyou somuch for your time you are taking.

    my parents don’t know weather i watch porn.

    i watched porn until before 2 months. now i repent myself to god and stopped watching porn or masturbating.

    again can you please tell me do i deserve forgiveness? thankyou for your time anita

    #374474
    vincent
    Participant

    i watch porn when they are not around  so they don’t know about its

    #374476
    vincent
    Participant

    also anita,  I would really appreciate if you could tell what make me different from any sexual predator or a phedophile

    if there are any . thankyou

    #374480
    anita
    Participant

    Dear vincent:

    You are welcome. You asked me if I “could tell what makes me different from any sexual predator or a pedophile”-

    Regarding the question of whether you are a pedophile-

    According to Wikipedia/ Pedophilia, webmd. com/ mental health.. explaining pedophilia, and the ravive, com/.. pedophilic disorder dsm-5, simplified:

    Pedophilia (“pedophilic disorder” in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, DMS-5) is a mental disorder in which an adult (age 16 and older) feels sexual desire for prepubescent children (children who did not yet develop secondary sex characteristics: pubic hair, underarm hair, breasts in girls).

    According to what you shared, you felt sexual attraction to a prepubescent girl when you were 12 or 13, or 14, and not when you were older than this age. According to what you shared then, you are not a pedophile.

    Regarding the question of whether you are a sexual predator-

    According to merriam webster. com, a sexual predator is defined as “a person who has committed a sexually violent offense”- according to what you shared, there was no violence, therefore- you are not a sexual predator.

    Your behavior at the time was wrong, and I am glad that you did not repeat it. I highly recommend to continue to not watch pornography of any kind.

    Is my post satisfactory to you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #374485
    vincent
    Participant

    dear anita,

    your post means a lot to me.

    You really have no idea how much that means to me.

    i am a catholic and started to live like a true catholic.

    also, i found an amazing guy’s blog in which he addresses this issues, that really helped me a lot

    https://bobswriting.com/psych/abusers.html

    I am going to do a lot of social service. i going to volunteer prison visits because only in the grace of god I am sitting at my home with my amazing parents and not at jail.

    also I some how was able to forgive myself by telling myself i was a child then and since there was no harm or force or any predatory behaviour involved, i was somehow able to think that as a normal experimentation.

    also anita there were not some persons like you existed, i really have no idea what would’ve happened.

    also i am started to take anti depressent before a day ago and going to continue until around for 15 days as recommended by my psychiatrist.

    i understand that what i did was not right but now i consider this oppurtunity as something given to me by god to have a good life and reach path of heaven . i never justify my acts as correct but i really thank god because i did that when i was a child myself and the guilt i had after that made me realized how much good , moral man i am and how much protective and loving husband and dad i am going to be.

    i am now pretty sure that i will never ever do anything to anyone as i know how does commiting a crime feel like and thankgod i was not mature back then and i could say that to myself to explain my behaviour.

    i belive in god and i hope he will help me to lead a better life.

    i don’t know if i would ever come here to post anything or say anything but if anyone reading this done something like this , understand your intention was not to do harm or do anything bad as a person is said to be rapist because he know what he is doing and he is doing harm to the society, to the victim . those persons are disgrace to the world. whereas we did that something that we don’t know it is going to be such a crime and we just were curious. again cocsa is not legal and i am not promoting any illegal activities but what i am trying to say is there is still hope.

    once i was planning to commit suicide and only then i realized how much good man i am and i started to consider this as a oppurtunity to be a good human and good catholic

    and yeah as i said getting away from porn and masturbation is not going to be easy but with the grace of god i think i could do anything.

    again anita i really can’t thank you enough for what you’re doing and again thankyou somuch for the time you take to do this.

    also i can able to stop feeling guilty and shame  about this by thinking how much good man i am now and i am going to be.

    cheers to all of your future. god bless you all

    sorry if my english is messed up as it is not my first language

    i would love to hear your thought on this

    thankyou all!

    #374484
    vincent
    Participant

    dear anita,

    your post means a lot to me.

    You really have no idea how much that means to me.

    i am a catholic and started to live like a true catholic.

    also, i found an amazing guy’s blog in which he addresses this issues, that really helped me a lot

    https://bobswriting.com/psych/abusers.html

    I am going to do a lot of social service. i going to volunteer prison visits because only in the grace of god I am sitting at my home with my amazing parents and not at jail.

    also I some how was able to forgive myself by telling myself i was a child then and since there was no harm or force or any predatory behaviour involved, i was somehow able to think that as a normal experimentation.

     

    also anita there were not some persons like you existed, i really have no idea what would’ve happened.

     

    also i am started to take anti depressent before a day ago and going to continue until around for 15 days as recommended by my psychiatrist.

    i understand that what i did was not right but now i consider this oppurtunity as something given to me by god to have a good life and reach path of heaven . i never justify my acts as correct but i really thank god because i did that when i was a child myself and the guilt i had after that made me realized how much good , moral man i am and how much protective and loving husband and dad i am going to be.

    i am now pretty sure that i will never ever do anything to anyone as i know how does commiting a crime feel like and thankgod i was not mature back then and i could say that to myself to explain my behaviour.

    i belive in god and i hope he will help me to lead a better life.

     

    i don’t know if i would ever come here to post anything or say anything but if anyone reading this done something like this , understand your intention was not to do harm or do anything bad as a person is said to be rapist because he know what he is doing and he is doing harm to the society, to the victim . those persons are disgrace to the world. whereas we did that something that we don’t know it is going to be such a crime and we just were curious. again cocsa is not legal and i am not promoting any illegal activities but what i am trying to say is there is still hope.

    once i was planning to commit suicide and only then i realized how much good man i am and i started to consider this as a oppurtunity to be a good human and good catholic

    and yeah as i said getting away from porn and masturbation is not going to be easy but with the grace of god i think i could do anything.

    again anita i really can’t thank you enough for what you’re doing and again thankyou somuch for the time you take to do this.

    also i can able to stop feeling guilty and shame  about this by thinking how much good man i am now and i am going to be.

     

    cheers to all of your future. god bless you all

    sorry if my english is messed up as it is not my first language

    i would love to hear your thought on this

    thankyou all!

    #374497
    anita
    Participant

    Dear vincent:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    You asked me earlier: “can you please tell me do I deserve forgiveness?”- from all that you shared, I believe that you deserve forgiveness and that you are a good person.

    You wrote: “getting away from porn and masturbation is not going to be easy but with the grace of god, I think I could do anything.. I can (be) able to stop feeling guilt and shame about this by thinking how much good  man I am and I am going to be”-

    – here is my concern, vincent: you will not be able to behave perfectly at all times, no human is able to be perfect. When in the future, you behave imperfectly in small ways, please don’t think something like: oh, this is proof that I am a bad person!

    Not all imperfections/ wrong behaviors are the same: there are degrees of wrong-doing.

    * I believe that watching pornography is wrong behavior because (1) it supports the pornographic industry, and (2) for many viewers, it increases the chances of wrong behaviors in real-life.

    * Regarding masturbation being a sin: outside religion- it is not considered a sin or a wrong behavior,  and it is often viewed as healthy behavior, when done privately and in moderation. In regard to Catholicism, I read that there has been some change in the view of masturbation- you may want to investigate that.

    anita

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