It sounds like me, yes. I can actually look for some addiction relief methods as well. Yesterday, I got off from work and he did shopping for the house like we were going to live together. Then we talked, and talked for hours, till we sleep. I told him that we could decide for us slowly. I also showed him some of my messages from friends about him. One friend actually suggested that I could give an ultimatom saying ‘whether you get a decent therapy, maybe including a rehab or you’ll be losing me’. He liked this idea and told me that he never wants to lose me at all. And he suggested this ultimatom:
“whether this goes on and i’ll get a therapy and also a new house, or not..”

This ultimatom was doable for him I guess. He saw these conditions applicable since he was faced with the concept of ‘losing me’. However, I was the little girl from my childhood. I kept thinking about how I’ll be missing him, how it will be terrible to see his room empty, how it will be terrible to come home after work and not eat dinner with him. He actually taught me so many things about love, in the end. That’s why this is so different from my other relationships. He was like a caregiver, like I said. He is, when not influenced by any episodes or neurosis, someone capable of loving people. He can grasp that our souls matter more than any other thing. He cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person. And maybe that’s the reason why he was so damaged. I would sincerely wish that everybody in this world became like him. Then, it would be possible to trust everyone. It might sound weird for me to say these stuff for someone that cheated on me but I really mean these. And I feel like there won’t be anybody else like him again, I feel like I won’t be able to trust anybody. I can clearly see how men act and how cruel and selfish people are especially in today’s world.

So right now, he is thinking to handle the last finals he has for a few days, the most. And then he’ll stay at his friends’ just to not waste any time and be done with this separation thing. He genuinely still loves me and he is not bad right now. But he believes that a neurosis will happen again and when that happens, he won’t be upsetting me anymore. So he’ll stay at some friends’ house, then go back to his hometown for a while and then maybe he’ll find a house when he comes back. But this upsets me, because he’s willing to do all these kinds of stuff, including having some financial problems as well to give me a break. This breaks my heart and I cannot imagine how will I be when he does and leaves, being uncomfortable at some sofa he doesn’t like and this feeling is really familiar. I’m feeling really guilty for someone that loves me. I’m feeling really guilty for something they did, just because their sincere love towards me.

I guess it was like 9 years ago, when I was in 7-8th grade. I was in summer break and my mom used to work for really long hours. I was spending my whole time on the computer and didn’t move much then. She used to get up in the morning, go outside and get me some breakfast stuff, like little newly cooked pastry from the same place and get back home. She used to go outside after giving me the pastry and then she’ll head to work. This cycle repeated for 2-3 months and I don’t remember how I felt during those days. I guess I ignored how I felt and focused on the computer. But now, every time I remember this, I burst into tears, I cannot help myself. I feel so guilty for letting her do this, every single day. I mean I had my own legs you know, I could’ve have go outside with her and then I can get back home after we stop at that pastry shop.

I might be getting upset about this specific thing but looking at the big picture, I was actually feeling guilty towards all the things she had to go through alone. Even if I was with her, I was just a kid. I couldn’t help her that much. And I had my own selfish moments as well. I still feel guilty about the computer she bought for me on my 14th birthday. She couldn’t made enough money but still, she was doing the thing that my dad didn’t do. She was actually spending that little money she earned for us, for us. She tried to make me happy. She actually bought me some furniture, a bed, a desk a closet and I remember it was a bit rushed, so I couldn’t think it through. I couldn’t block her so she bought this enormous gift for me. It was really nice for a week, I was really excited, but then I started to feel guilty again. I wish this didn’t happen, I wish she didn’t spend all this money for this, i thought. And I was even embarrassed of it, of the furniture i had. Years passed, I went to another city for university and those furniture kept waiting for me. I didn’t use them, so I found someone on the internet and sold all the furniture for like 350 dollars and gave the money to my mom. She was in need of some money then, so it was a nice move. I had a relief by doing this.

So this feeling kind of haunts me. I feel the same thing with him. I feel so guilty because of all the love that is directed towards me. I feel like I cannot love them in the same way and that makes me really upset.

I’m really curious about what these stuff would make you think.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Arden.