Dear myoid,

I’ve just recently joined the forum and anita made me aware of this thread, so I’ve read through most of the conversation, including the excellent remarks made by anita.

It does appear your core wound is that of emotional abandonment, of not receiving enough love and care as a child. What is important to understand here is that the child always blames itself for not having its need met – it never blames the parents.
You too are blaming yourself, you said “I wish I could’ve make their lives better”. You also said you don’t think you’re worthy of e.g. enjoying a nice holiday with your family. This is a typical reaction of a wounded child, who believes that if only she would change, the parents would finally give her love and attention. Probably a part of you believes you’re undeserving of love, because again, you blame yourself for not having your emotional needs met.

I would like to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and it’s not your fault that you weren’t taken care of properly. Also, you need to understand that your needs were justified – we all need care, attention and affection to develop properly. Without it, we suffer and wither, like flowers without sunshine and water. A part of your healing is in understanding that you did need love and affection, that it was justified, and that you didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

Regarding your boyfriend, you say he was like a caregiver to you and is capable of loving people (when he’s mentally stable). You said “He cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person.” From your words it seems that he was willing to listen to you, and this means a lot to you, because having someone to simply listen to us and witness, without judgment, is huge. It’s one of our core emotional needs. And probably this is what you were missing from your parents. You said your mother didn’t really care about your problems, she minimized them. She wasn’t seeing you for who you really are. Your boyfriend filled that gap. At least this is my understanding of your interaction.

But as you’ve described, he can provide support to you very rarely, due to his mental instability. So he’s there but not really there. As anita said, it seems like a re-creation of your childhood wound, with the difference that at least he’s there for you sometimes. But many times his behavior hurts you pretty badly, e.g. you never know what he’ll do next, if he’ll cheat on you, or act out in other ways.

You may justify it that it’s not his fault and that he doesn’t mean harm, but even so, in his current condition he isn’t capable of truly loving you. There might be some elements of love, like him being honest about the urge to cheat, or having the decency to move out after he’s cheated on you. But the bottom line is that he cannot stop himself from acting in hurtful ways. Even if he’s aware that he’s hurting you. His mental illness is stronger.

And it’s not your fault that he’s acting like that – it’s his mental illness. So don’t make the mistake of blaming yourself. It’s not your fault and you cannot really help him. He would need professional help.

What you would need is to get in touch and embrace your wounded inner child – that little girl that never got the love and attention she deserved – and be a good parent to her now. As you would water and care for a beautiful, fragile flower, or as if you would care for a precious puppy, you now need to care for your inner child. You can have a doll or a similar fluffy toy as a representative of your inner child, and you talk to it, you put it in your arms, hold it in your lap, you protect it and care for it. Whenever you feel afraid and anxious, you talk to your inner child and console her. You give her the care and attention you haven’t received as a child.

But it’s important to even acknowledge that your little girl exists within you, that she has legitimate needs for love and affection, and that it’s not her fault that she didn’t get those needs met. Now it’s time to compensate and give her the love and care she never properly received. You can do it alone or with the help of a professional, but that’s the path to healing, I believe.