Dear Anita and TeaK,

Thank you so much for your kind and detailed advices. I will be reading again at home and I’ll try to implement these. I’ve read last posts at the office and it was hard for me to not cry during those moments. If someone is understanding me, showing me empathy or showing me kindness about these deep topics, I burst into tears, I cannot help it. Although I show ultimate attention to not cry in front of others, and that does not include my boyfriend. He is the only person right now that listens, cares that much and can stand my crying. Therefore, It will be really hard for me to get used to live without him or be without him even for a week. He completed his finals and planned his trip to his hometown. He’ll be gone this Thursday and I don’t know how much he’ll stay. I encouraged him to not hurry, stay calm and decide for the moving thing later. I don’t want him to feel all alone but he feels that way, I suppose. He doesn’t see her hometown as a place to live, stay. He doesn’t feel home in our current home, I guess. But I have a feeling that he’ll miss our home and realize that it was like home, after he has left it and I feel sorry for that already.

During the Valentine’s Day, he bought some flowers and a little gift. I had bought a gift box as well. We’ve spent our day like we were still valentines. He was a bit stable, then. Days went by and we were good, we were separate, but we were together. I even thought it can be good again and we can keep going. I still have doubts. I’m ready to forgive him, I might’ve already done. He, on the other hand, would never forgive himself.

Today, he feels bad again. He texts me saying he doesn’t want to exist at all, again. I can get professional help as long as I have this exhausting job. I even got an appointment for the next month, an online therapy. But it seems like there are not any psychiatrist or psychologist good enough to help him. I don’t know what can be done, he doesn’t know as well. Being abandoned by one of the best and the most expensive psychiatrists around here, he feels helpless, I guess.

I’ll have to keep going by waking up everyday, running to the office, working for hours and hours, getting back home exhausted, sleep for a couple of hours and do the same thing over and over. That would be the case whether he stays or leaves.