Dear Neverdyed,

“I think I do have become obsessed along the way, and all the contradictions contributed to the thread title.”

Yes, I think the contradictions were because you didn’t really know what you want. For example, Conflict #4: “I don’t want him to contact me when he’s with someone, but then it’d probably result in a long absence as he’s not going to be alone for sure.”

This conflict assumes that you need a man who dates other women and only gets in touch when he isn’t with someone else. But do you really need such a man? Do you want to depend on his breadcrumbs or you want someone who loves you and is committed to you? See what I mean? Your conflict would be resolved pretty quickly if you decided what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship.

Or Conflict #1: I hope to keep in touch with him, but I have no faith in keeping a formal relationship.

Do you want a formal, committed relationship, where your partner is eager to communicate with you, or you want an open relationship where he can just pop up whenever he feels like, but also disappear if he fancies to? Do you want commitment and constancy or you accept whatever he gives you, even if it leaves you hurt and frustrated? It’s on you to decide. Once you know what you want, the conflict will resolve by itself.

“It’s true that I feel if there was someone else here, I wouldn’t be so “stuck”, but I still don’t want to go meet people especially just to get over the situation. Also, it’d be worse if there was someone else here, yet my mind continued to focus on him…”

Yes, it’s better to let go of him first, before you venture out to meet other people. If you’re still stuck on him, you’d need to understand what it is that you expect from him, what are you hoping that he would give you, which you can’t give to yourself?

“Maybe I simply expect to be valued equally.”

Perhaps this is the answer to the mystery – perhaps you don’t even need love from him, but respect? That he values you? Perhaps what hurt you the most in his silence and not replying to your messages was that he showed lack of respect for you? What if the solution is to start valuing yourself, regardless of him?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.