@Sammy

There are “married” and “married.”

My aunt met my uncle when he was separated. That was back in the 1970s. They celebrated their golden anniversary two years ago.

My brother was separated from his wife and single for five years. Then he was in a relationship with his girlfriend for four years. It is a long story why it took him nine years to divorce, but it had nothing to do with him being ambiguous or unclear about the state of his failed marriage.

I have a lady at work who didn’t hesitate to pursue a very big boss who divorced for her. They have been happily married for over ten years now.

So you see, it is not so much the marriage status per se as the state of the marriage. Especially, when kids are involved and when kids are underage, so that there is the issue of custody.

Remember, B told me right away that he was separated, had no intention to get back with his wife (and had no intention to marry again – be it his wife after the divorce or somebody else). He was living at a hotel at the time and acting like a free agent, too. I guess that was my green light deep down.

It was some time later that it transpired that he was back at their family house, albeit in a separate bedroom. But by then I had already become emotionally involved because of all our communication and sharing.

Besides, he was sharing all that more as a friend rather than a suitor. Again, him telling me right away that he didn’t want to marry and the obvious mess in his relationship with his wife (remember their last-ditch attempt at a retreat to reconcile, too?) meant that I had told myself that I would be seeing him strictly as a friend. But feelings obviously had started to develop.

His ambiguity in terms of “friend” vs “potential lover” came later.

This is why I am not sure if @Dannydan was right suggesting that he pulled away because of my rebuffing his attempts at romance. He pulled away significantly later. After our cuddling, our communication was on at full steam for a good two or three months. And he didn’t make any other significant physical attempts. He didn’t come to spend the night under my roof, did he? It mostly became just words and intentions, which never translated into anything material.

Which made me think that he was battling his “duty” and feelings for me.

Which is why I was so thrown off by his words two weeks ago that he had been looking for somebody, decided I was not the one and that is why he pulled away.

Again, not sure about ROYALLY MESSED UP. It sounds like he pulled away as soon as he realised he was not that into me.

(Only it doesn’t match his body language and obvious excitement at seeing me during our chance encounters for the subsequent two years.)

It is my problem that I had gotten attached so soon despite him being more of a friend than a suitor and despite me clearly seeing all the red flags.

As for the nice words and “locker room banter”, I probably should have learnt a long time ago that not everybody is so careful with words and plans as I am, especially men. If I choose my words very carefully so that I can answer about them in court, if need be, and if I say thank you for the recommendation, I’ll read that book sooner or later and then still read it three years after (!), it doesn’t mean that everyone is like this, going steady, with intentions unchanged, long-term.

I totally agree about consent. I was merely trying to analyse what HE might have been feeling or thinking.

Same thing about my question to @Dannydan as to why he said that if B came back, that would be for serious now, not for an ego boost. If B hasn’t changed, he may very well seek an ego boost again.

I would rather know what men are assuming because not everybody is a gentleman, and I don’t want to end up in a precarious situation.

And no, I don’t want another “adventure.” I want – and have always wanted – something stable and sturdy and long-lasting.

The reason why you didn’t call him out entirely for your pain and tell him you were hurt is because a part of you didn’t want to rock the boat, you still had or have that glimmer of hope that you didn’t want to dash. You didn’t want to give him a reason.

This is absolutely wrong. As said, I hate to complain or ask to be pitied.

To give him a list of what he had said or written meant that I should have had the list handy.

I had deleted our correspondence a long time ago.

And whatever handwritten diary pages I had, I had stuck them in a sealed envelope and put them in a very hard-to-reach place.

Besides, he clearly didn’t remember a lot about what exactly he had said or written five years ago.

It would be ridiculous to expect that he would, if it had been just bla-bla-bla for him.

So it would be like punishing a dog for something it had done two weeks ago. The dog wouldn’t understand.

So wouldn’t he.

He is the type of guy who doesn’t ever leave you when he knows he doesn’t want you long term, and in the end offers the typical “you deserve better” to just look like the good guy.

This is like the vast majority of men.

I am only sorry I got mistaken again.

Thank you, @Sammy1 and @Dannydan for your inputs. It was especially valuable because I got opinions for a woman and a man, so much more objectivity about what had happened.

@Dannydan, I was hoping you could address my two tentative questions above (the same as in my big previous post)?