Dear greenshade,

I am sorry things are so hard for you, and that you’re in such a tough spot regarding your father. Based on what you shared about childhood, it’s no wonder that you’re reluctant to visit him and show affection to him, knowing how he treated you and manipulated you in the past.

The staff at the care home is telling you that “he is not eating he only talks about his daughter he just wants to talk to you”. They are making you feel guilty, probably unintentionally, because they don’t know the truth. And the truth is that he’s been harassing you like that for years, demanding your presence at all times, calling you at work every few hours, complaining “how lonely and sad he was”, telling you how he misses you… in short, making you feel guilty whenever you didn’t spend time with him.

Now he’s doing something similar, trying to coerce you into visiting him, not because he really cares about you and misses you, but because he wants to exert control over you. If he can control you, he can calm down, I guess.

On top of your father’s obsessive control and abuse, you also live in a very controlling and abusive culture. It forces you to live with your parents until you get married, and if you live alone, you’re in danger of being raped. In addition, you’re forced to take care of your parents regardless of how they (mis)treated you, and if you refuse, you’d be labeled as “worst of the worst”.

Just writing this causes anger and righteous indignation in me! No wonder you feel trapped and “don’t know how to escape your life”. But for the sake of your own sanity and your own future, it’d be very important to change your present circumstances, to give yourself a chance at a better life. You owe it to yourself. You’re an intelligent, eloquent woman, educated, with lots of wit, you’ve seen the world and managed to escape the abusive culture for at least 10 months. You can do it again!

You said in June 2019 that you’re planning to go back to your boyfriend in a 2-year time. It would be this summer… How is the situation on that front? Are you still in touch with your boyfriend?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.