breaking point

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    Hi everyone.

    Posting here for advice and guidance again.

    2020, and now 2021, has been a difficult year for me as it has been for many other people.

    In oct I lost my aunt who was like a 2nd mother to me and fifteen days after that I lost my grandparent. I have been very actively grieving and finding day to day tasks difficult.

    Since dec 2019 my father, who is 75, has been hospitalized thrice for manic episodes. This is his forth admission. Each admission has lasted at least 6 weeks. I no longer speak with my father as in the past he has been abusive at the worst of times and manipulative/coercive at the best. However, I have been navigating the ins and outs of hospital admissions and trying to arrange finances while keeping minimal contact with him. This has been more difficult in dec as I got covid and things started falling through the cracks. I also have a very specific PTSD trigger around his hospitalizations because they were violent events in the past. So I have been trying to do this from a very triggered space.

    We decided to shift him to the care of a different well reputed psych facility because we were losing faith in his current doc. We were really hoping things would stabalise. However they did a covid test for him which came back positive. They asked us to take him home immediately. This would have meant putting my mother and I back in a difficult situation as well as exposing her to covid as she hasn’t had it yet and my dad would not isolate or wear a mask. I scrambled around and found a facility which offered both covid care and psych care which was difficult since health care (or other social services) are not at all developed where I live. However, this facility is not following proper protocol with regards to quarantining and patients, doctors and attendants in the covid wards don’t wear masks or protective gear, or dont take off their protective gear when the leave the covid ward. Every time I visit this hospital the staff there urges me to meet my father, from the receptionist to the administration to the doctor and ward boys. They have even started calling me on the phone to meet him. They say things like “he is not eating he only talks about his daughter he just wants to talk to you” “uncle is very sweet he is so good he just wants to talk to you it is his deepest wish” “he just wants to talk to his wife and daughter” “so you will not talk to him” “you can visit him wearing a face mask” . I got four phone calls from three different people from the hospital yesterday all pushing me to speak to him. It touched my own guilt which I still have a lot of for cutting off from him and I broke down completely.

    Today I found out that I made a pretty significant mistake at work which jeopardized a partnership I have been trying to get for 2 years now. I made this mistake during the week my dad tested covid positive and I made this mistake because my own mental health was bad. I work two jobs so that I am financially stable enough to move out of my parents house and I feel like collegues at both places have had to carry and cover for me a lot in 2020 because of my bad mental health.

    I dont know how to escape my life, or to fix things so that they are okay . In my culture, you are the worst of the worst if you neglect your elderly parents and right now I feel like I am the worst of the worst. I really feel like I have nothing left to give anyone.

    I am sorry for the overlong message, it all felt relevant to say. I am hoping for some advice guidance for support.



    Dear greenshade:

    You are currently still living with your mother, working two jobs with the goal of moving out. You had Covid in December last year, your mother did not. Your elderly father had Covid and is currently hospitalized for his manic depressive (bi-polar) disorder. You haven’t seen him there because he abused you for so many years, but he wants to see you and employees at the hospital pressure you to see him. You feel guilty because in your culture, an adult child not attending to her elderly parents is considered to be “the worst of the worst”-

    – I am sorry, greenshade that your life is so difficult, and has been for so long. You asked for guidance and support: I hope that you manage to move out of your parents’ home before your father is released from the hospital and is back home. I hope that you keep safe everywhere you go, so to not get re-infected with Covid. I hope that you make the right choices for yourself, for your own physical/ emotional well-being, and I wish you well! Feel free to post again anytime.


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