Dear Peace/Princess123:

In this post, I will not ask you any questions, but offer you general information (not specific to you), followed by personal comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you. It will be a long post, so take your time reading it when you have the time and patience.

Here is what you wrote some time earlier: “I am coming from a family or society where having relationships is okay, but having romantic, and sexual contact are sin… I am a Muslim… I live here (Germany) without my family or anyone else”. It seems like most, if not all of your boyfriends have been Muslim.

Wikipedia on “Islam in Germany” states that in Germany, the Protestant and Roman Catholic religions are the major religions, and that Islam is the largest minority religion in the country. It was estimated that in 2015 there were about 4.5 million Muslims in Germany, of which close to 2 millions were German citizens. According to a 2019 statistical count, there are close to 440,000 people from countries with a Muslim majority in Berlin alone. Most Muslims in Germany have roots in Turkey, followed by Arab countries (Egypt, Sudan, Algeria, Iraq, and many more), former Yugoslavia, Afghanistan and Iran, as well as other parts of the world. Most Muslims live in former West Germany, including West Berlin. Of the over 1.2 asylum seekers arriving in Germany mid-2000s to 2016, most (900,000) were Muslim.

Wikipedia, on Islamic sexual jurisprudence, states: “In Islam, prohibitions against extramarital sex are strong.. Marriage and concubinage are permitted sexual relationships” (concubinage, Arabic surriyya, is “a slave-woman with whom her master engaged in sexual relations”).

“In these permitted relationships (marriage and concubinage), there are also some limitations.. a man should not have intercourse during his wife’s menstrual and afterbirth periods. He is also considered to be sinning when penetrating anally”.

According to Islam, “a woman should not travel except with a Dhu-Mahram.. and no man may visit her except in the presence of a Dhu-Mahram”. A Dhu-Mahram is the woman’s husband, if she is married, or a male family member like her brother (not a cousin!). In other words, traditionally, an unmarried woman is not supposed to get out of her home alone, but with a male protector who is a trusted family member.

About unmarried Muslims having sex/ zina= fornication: “Islamic law prohibits sexual relations as zina.. male and female fornicators are to be flogged one-hundred times. According to Hadith, married male and female fornicators are to be stoned to death”

“Prostitution is banned in Islam.. (it) is haraam. If any does this then he shall be stoned to death”,  “Rape is considered a serious sexual crime in Islam… Under Islam, sexual intercourse is regarded as a loving act within marriage and should only be by mutual consent”.

Elsewhere (virginity now. com/ virginity in Islam answers for a Muslim): “Virginity in Islam is very important. It is asked of women to remain chaste and righteous and lose virginity only on her wedding night.. Premarital or extramarital sex is forbidden to all… Virginity in Islam is reflected as a sign of chastity, innocence, and morality. In most of the Islamic cultures, virginity is considered a subject matter of honor for the family… a torn hymen can bring shame to the Muslim woman, her family and also to the family of her husband”.

And now, my comments with more information: the reason I brought up all of the above is not because I would like to promote women’s virginity, or for women not leave the home unaccompanied by a Dhu-Mahram, or to be flagged or stoned! I brought up all of the above because you are a Muslim woman living away from her family, in a European country within a Muslim community, interacting with Muslims.

If you were a single woman living in a progressive society where women are valued as equal to men, you could perhaps live a life of a modern woman, free to engage with men as she wishes, but living in a conservative community where women are devalued and where men consider single unprotected young women easy sexual prey-  requires different choices and behaviors than what you practiced so far.

Muslim men were once Muslim boys and teenagers who were taught by their parents, families and society that they are to marry virgin women who will not dishonor their families. What boys are being taught early on in life is very powerful. The fact that those grown boys are men living in a European country does not change the power of these early-life teachings, especially when a Muslim man’s socialization is within the Muslim community.

There may be exceptional Muslim men with progressive attitudes, but overall, it is extremely unwise for a single Muslim woman to have pre-marital sex with a Muslim man within the Muslim community: it is a breeding ground for disrespect and abuse by the man (and by others in the community), which is what you experienced with the Muslim refuge you lived with for six months, a man who called you a prostitute and who suggested to bring men to your apartment to have sex with you for money.

After you broke up with that abusive man, you agreed to have a relationship with his long-time male friend who told you that he will marry you. But he had no such intention, his only intention was to have sex with you. You invited him to spend the night with you in your apartment, but was surprised that he pressured you to have sex with him. When you resisted his pressure, he told you (paraphrased): how come you had sex with my friend, but you won’t have sex with me?

He too disrespected you, and neither he nor his friend, the one you lived with, were likely to marry you. (Nor would I have wanted you to marry either one of them).

I don’t know how it happened, that out of a family of nine siblings, you being the youngest of all, came to live in a foreign country alone, by yourself, within a Muslim community, without guidance or protection. I do not understand how it can be that none of your eight older siblings, and none of your other family members, was worried about the fate of their youngest sister living by herself among men, particularly Muslim men. It is  dangerous for a young woman to be in this setting because Muslim men devalue a woman who will have sex before marriage, and therefore, are more inclined to abuse her.

dw. com/ en/ germany 1 woman per hour is victim of domestic violence, (no spaces): “Germany: 1 woman per hour is victim of domestic violence: Rape, coercion or even forced prostitution: More than 114,000 women were abused by their partner or ex-partner in Germany last year, according to new figures released on International Day Against Violence Against Women.. in 2018. Of these victims, 122 were killed that year- one every three days”.

My suggestion: find a counseling service for women within the university you attend, and/ or elsewhere. Better, find a counseling service specific to Muslim women in Germany.

This website from 2008 may be current and helpful: womens e news. org/ 2008/ german counseling center wraps counseling in faith (no spaces). It reads: “Women’s centers in Germany that cater to Muslims provide counseling for domestic and religious issues… Becker, 67, a German who converted to Islam 45 years ago, has helped women with crisis of sexuality, faith and abusive relationships”.

This website may be helpful: social science works. org/ muslim women in germany a look at gender inequality and integration. It seems to refer to Muslim women who arrived to Germany as asylum seekers, and it mentions (I added the bold feature) what I referred to earlier, in this post, as your challenge: a single Muslim woman living in a Muslim community. It reads: “do Muslim women need to be saved? I believe the answer should be affirmative… While fleeing to Germany might have saved them from war, so far it did not always save them from suffering severe inequality within their communities“.

anita