@Jay2023

I had a tight deadline to meet and it’s hard to catch a break but I still like to take time out for change of focus when I feel bored or unproductive just didn’t realise how much I had delayed so apologies for the late reply. Lucky you, that you get periods of free downtime but it must suck when the mind needs occupation.

Try downloading a game or even watching Netflix or series during those periods to avoid slipping into the habit of ruminating.

I understand the pain you are describing in wanting to be the person for her but I think it’s more rooted in wanting to be chosen and validated more than anything.

Also because it was mainly one sided the feelings you describe appear to be based upon an idealised version or potential you felt rather than the actual reality. Some people do deserve that pedestal but in this case I don’t think she does.

Soon when that fog lifts, I hope you realise your own worth. You deserve much better than a one sided romantic relationship. You seem like a kind and giving person in a relationship. You deserve that in return.

Just thinking about how much you were willing to sacrifice and do for her makes me think she must have been manipulative all along knowing she was never ready for a commitment to you but knew by keeping you around, she could use you as a blanket when the chips were down. You may have codependency maybe because you crave certainty and clearly absorb other peoples feelings, people pleased with her and weren’t assertive to say anything or walk away yourself when she definitely wasn’t meeting your needs?

She strung you along, why would you do that to when you could commit knowing how lucky you are to find a kind, generous man, especially one who is offering stability and willing to be a father figure and take on 3 children! The loss is definitely not yours in this case. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Remember when there’s pure love but circumstances mean you are not the right fit then when one of you does move on for good, it is usually happiness that is felt above any other emotion. You want them to be happy even if it means it can not be with you.

If love wasn’t as deep and pure it’s indifference. If the love was toxic primarily you feel jealousy.

I loved my ex in a very pure way, he didn’t return that in the same way at that time, or not in the way I needed. In the end after an emotional rollercoaster on/off for close to 5 years, I realised we just didn’t fit, I no longer wanted it, love requires work not you losing yourself and damaging your own self worth. BUT I still want him to be happy and grow, I really do. I moved on before him probably because I didn’t date right away and took my time to fully heal and grow from that chapter. But I respect him a lot more for how he made amends, how he has been since, although he realised some things which could have saved our relationship far too late, he was sensible and stood down when he knew I was serious about my besties bro. We’re not friends by any means but after a year we can finally be in the same room and have small talk, we’ve let bygones be bygones. It feels so mature.

I hope if your connection was real, then you both get to that stage one day and can talk again.

You said you worry no one will love you the way you love. I used to fear that too after my ex because honestly I love very deeply when I commit to someone. But i realised I was overthinking, having  expectations. Rather than focusing on having love returned in the “exact” way i give, focus on how I am, who I am with the person. Be with someone who will take care of you, like really take care of you. I mean take care of your soul, your wellbeing, your heart. Honestly to get there you have to do that for yourself first.

Once you start loving yourself in an unconditional way you chose better partners.

In JTs famous words ‘what goes around comes back around’ so I try not to be what I wouldn’t want done to me. Once you start living by those rules overall you make better choices for yourself too.

How was your weekend? I remember in the initial period I used to dread the moments where I had nothing to do and instead of planning or filling it or learning to sit through those alone moments with patience. I filled myself with booze!