Dear Felix,

I also don’t know how to ask for help.

It seems to me you do know how to ask for help – at least you did it here on the forum – but it’s much harder for you to accept help, or even just to open yourself to the possibility that there is help, that your situation isn’t helpless as you believe it is. Many of us here wrote giving ideas and suggestions, but you mostly brushed them away, or didn’t respond, always returning to the same narrative: that it’s extremely hard for you, that you’ve had horrible losses, you’re alone, you’re getting older, you’re trying like hell, doing your best, but nothing seems to be working, and you’re exhausted and desperate.

I am sorry to say this, but you sound like a broken record. I know it’s hard for you right now, but it appears as if you switch on the “automatic response”, which swiftly repels a possible solution, a possible relief of your problem.

I am fighting against something, but don’t even know against what.

You’re right, you’re fighting against something, and it seems you’re fighting against yourself and your own happiness. You’re focusing only on the negatives, repeating them again and again in your mind, like a broken record, and actively rejecting possible positives. I am sorry to say this, but it will be very difficult to find a way out, with this current attitude.