Regarding your past paragraph. That’s depression. That’s what it does. It gets your to ruminate on the negative. I know all this and I fight it daily. Clinical depression is when people feel depression regardless of what is going on in their lives. I have situational, or life depression. I don’t feel sad or depressed when things are great, but because things have been pretty crappy for sooooo long, I’ve forgotten what joy feels like. I don’t remember the last time I felt happy. It’s been at least 4 or 5 years, may be more. Even the happier times in the last 5 years have been filled with sad and sorrow. How can stop ruminating on the negative when I have been going through so much crap? I know, I know, I am trying. I will not give up. Just tired of this feeling of feeling lost. I am watching Finding Joe now. I’ve watched all these amazing movies and documentaries about dark times, finding ourselves, and many other interesting topics, but then I come back to my grim reality and I sink in deeper and deeper. Hey, at least got my meditation cushion delivered today. That def put a smile on my face. I love meditation and it’s truly been a helpful thing since I’ve started using it to look inside myself (I use the Waking Up app by Sam Harris).