As I say at first I was not on bored with that but as I grew to like her and she stated she wanted a family unit at some point I knew that was a sacrifice I would need to make, as I don’t have children I actually warmed to the idea of becoming part of her family and would of welcomed them into mine, only danger of that is it can be taken away and you are left picking up the pieces so I was reluctant to do so at times.

She always offered to pay her own way, she works hard for the life she lives I will say that but me being me I always offered to pay and did buy gifts, not with the objective of trying to buy her love but just because I wanted to treat her and I’m able to do so, so no that’s one thing I will say she definitely isn’t a gold digger. I did have doubts on long term because of my career and what I could provide but she always insisted that didn’t matter and wasn’t about money. I also agree with the introduction to her children, she doesn’t have much free time I guess only every other weekend so there was no choice in order to spend time together, 2 weeks before the breakup in September I actually went there for dinner with all of them around the table, that really annoyed me because there was no need to do that if she knew things were not right, I read into it and thought it was positive.

I’ve definitely been given breadcrumbs, even in the last messages exchanged when I was being desperate she said she doesn’t know how she will feel in the future and may be drawn back together, probably cowardice tbh rather than being firm and saying its over for good and you should move on.

It was unbalanced on the support front, she would say I’m capable of so much more and have potential but when I lost my job it felt like everytime we spoke I was made to feel I should be doing more to get one rather than being sympathetic. It wasn’t an urgent issue money wise to get one, in fact I took first temp job just to help with my mental health to get back into a routine. I always knew she didn’t love me, it never got deep enough, in my opinion I don’t think she is capable of giving too much love because of the life she leads.

I think I’m really gonna benefit from CBT, this is the big problem for me at the moment, once I can channel the obsessive thoughts and behaviour patterns I’ll be on the right track to getting over this. I’m still going strong on the SM black out, the longer it goes the easier it is as I tell myself I will have to start all over from day one, I won’t bother blocking I just dont need SM full stop at the moment, it’s quite refreshing to not go through the news feed everyday, the longer I go with this and not be exposed the to anything to do with her it will fade and be less painful.

I think the combination of the medication and therapy to map out all the issues will be the foundation I need to rebuild myself into a better, stronger person and will be better equipped for finding future happiness.