Dear lk09,

I wish I had simple lives like those friends of mine who met their partners in college and married them after college.

If we had simple lives, we wouldn’t be here on this forum 🙂

I read somewhere that around 50% of people in the US (elsewhere might be different) are securely attached as children, which means they later don’t have problems in creating healthy relationships, while 50% are insecurely attached (be it anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), which later creates problems in relationships. So, we belong to 50% of the population… which means there are many many people like us. Very rare are those who marry their high-school sweetheart and remain with them till the end…

I have never met anyone who cherished me like I was a prize they won.

That’s a part of the craving, I’ve tried to explain it before. You said you wanted him to not be ashamed to walk hand in hand with you and show the world that you are his. It’s your craving to be valued and affirmed that you’re special and important – which you haven’t received in your family. In your family your sister was special and important, while you were secondary, you weren’t seen, your wishes weren’t respected, you were bullied. I am thinking your sister is probably narcissistic, and has abused you, and your parents never stood to protect you, but rather, defended and excused her abusive behavior. The result is that you feel unwanted, lesser, unimportant, not special… You crave to be someone’s No1.

But even if you get it from someone, it won’t satisfy the inner craving – you need to heal the craving by accepting your own worth and specialness. And then, someone who is able to truly appreciate you and remember your birthday and make you his No1 will show up…

I don’t think I know what a healthy normal relationship is like. And I am afraid.

Work on your self-esteem, learn how to value yourself, and you’ll start attracting people who truly appreciate you, not in an obsessive way (like “I can’t live without you, I am lost without you, I am no one and you give my life meaning”), but in a healthy way…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.