Dear Ishita,

the incident you’ve just described, you said it happened recently. Does it mean in the last 2 weeks, since you first posted here?

If so, I’d have to say that you have expectations of him, as if he were your boyfriend, and he isn’t. So, he was silent all day, because he was sleeping, but you didn’t know about it, so you messaged him, and he called you. In this phone call he explained why he was not responsive, but you told him “he should have at least told me that instead of ignoring completely”. So you weren’t happy with his explanation, and resented him/got offended that he didn’t let you know that he’d be sleeping.

The reason why you had expectations and got upset is this:

Now, i was getting a bit anxious by the end, so I kind of was angry, that I felt that maybe we were connecting again because he had been video calling me evry day for a week then until that day, so I just didnt want to lose that again.

So you were hoping that there might still be something between the two of you, even though he told you he doesn’t want a relationship. But you started hoping again, and started having expectations on him.

Since you haven’t talked the matter through during the phone call (because one of you got interrupted), you expected to talk about it in more detail later, to resolve things:

He told me he will call me back so I waited, and had begun to feel that maybe this was wrong on my part he isnt my boyfriend and so I wanted to resolve this from my end as well if he called.

So I said that if he is busy we can maybe take it up later its fine, I can wait.

Here, one part of you started thinking that it’s maybe too much to expect of him to inform you about his every move, since he isn’t your boyfriend. This, rational, calm and polite part thinks you can wait. But the other part of you is pretty anxious, demanding and has expectations. That’s the inner conflict in you.

He himself can be pretty knit-picky too. He started to make a big deal of you ignoring his message “are you fine?”, although you did reply but indirectly. You tried to explain you did reply, but he didn’t accept your explanation. Same as you didn’t accept his explanation that he was sleeping and that’s why he didn’t respond to you.

Although he knows that I would have said sorry if without a thought, if i would have genuinely felt i ignored his msg.

You would have apologized if you felt guilty. Same as him – probably he would have apologized if he felt guilty. But he didn’t feel guilty for not letting you know that he’s sleeping – that’s why he said nothing.

This matter was really stupid and then he kind of started talking to me rudely, making fun of the way I was fumbling(which i do at times) and it really hurt me, so I told him on that call, that resolving an issue would be a different thing but one is never supposed to talk rudely to ppl close to them (he didnt use to do that before ) and he knew i dont talk to ppl in that tone, so he went silent and didnt apologize.

This is where he should have apologized for being rude and making fun of  you. But I guess he didn’t want to apologize for what you originally accused him of (sleeping all the day) – that’s why he was silent. He did apologize though in a subsequent call:

And it went like that for seven days( we werent in contact) and it really hurt me very bad, that such a small matter could go on to this extent, seven days later he called me and i told him it wasnt ok to comeback like nothing happened, and that was the first time I burst in tears while saying that, I used to talk to him very politely and he knew that, and he was suddenly being rude to me just because he qas angry. But he felt really bad and sad and he did apologize, but I knew it was too late by then. I did forgive him

Indeed, it was a small matter, but you made a big deal out of it, and spent a week being hurt and offended. Perhaps you were offended that he made fun of you at some point, but I guess you were even more offended about his original “sin”, and you wanted to resolve it by having him apologize. Eventually he did apologize (I guess for the part where he was rude?), but it was too late for you (“I knew it was too late by then“). His apology wasn’t good enough, probably because he didn’t apologize for what you wanted him to apologize?

Dear Ishita, it seems to me that both of you are pretty stubborn, easily offended, and neither of you wants to be wrong. Plus, you have expectations on him that he should behave like your boyfriend. He refuses to do that, and gets angry and rude trying to defend himself.

But i guess this was the last fight we had after which I had really decided this was it, the confusion needs to go, we have been fighting just because of unmatched expectations

Yes, and before you talk to him, try to deal with your internal confusion. I guess you should accept that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, at least at the moment, even if he’s interacting with you on a regular basis. Because from what you wrote, it seems you can’t accept that, and are having expectations on him.