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Confused whether I was actually lead on by my closest guy friend

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  • #377151
    Ishita
    Participant

    So , I am here to pour out all my feelings because I don’t know what else to do with it anymore.

    Kindly help me out with this if you  can relate to it to even a small extent

    Thanks in advance for reading this.

    I am a college student presently, and this is something about me and a guy friend of mine who used to be pretty close to me up until now.

    So , I had known this friend of mine since the time when we were college freshers, and since then I have always admired him, and maybe did secretly like him too, but didn’t think much because he had a girlfriend from his town, then and ,they were pretty serious about eachother.He is a real nice guy ,an overachiever yet humble,although a bit emotionally inexpressive or reserved kind but ya,we had been close since our freshmen years

    So recently during this pandemic ,in the month of September, his girlfriend dumped him saying that she was feeling “stressed” around him. And he was very heart broken during that time, because the relationship was 2years old ,by then.

    I tried to convince him to talk to her and sort it out , but he was so badly hurt that he didn’t want this anymore so after a point I stopped . Now , I had never tried to make a move on him ,either before this or even after this, but I could see , he was eventually getting closer to me.

    he was trying to be much more emotionally expressive, and trying to get to know me, supporting me , and always being there for me. And I used to generally have my guard on around even my good friends until I am pretty sure I would want to be close to them. And during the month of December , our winter vacation, we used to facetime each other almost everyday, and I eventually got a bit comfortable around him. I was making attempts of letting my guard down around him, because otherwise I used to feel an insecurity , that maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess .

    We used to flirt a lot , he “jokingly” started calling me bae(which I eventually asked him , not to , since if we were friends such  nicknames might be a bit off limit) ,we used to have some real dirty flirting during this time, and I felt somehow , that he might be a bit into me, although I wasn’t sure.

    But , nonetheless by the month of January I had already gotten attached to him, but he started pulling hot and cold on me.

    He used to be a bit busy mostly , but it always felt like he wasn’t putting enough effort. So , I used to get upset if he forgot to or maybe just chose to not call me in two or three days.He used to then get back to me and for some reason he never said to me that I was expecting too much, instead he used to intently listen to me , being “dramatic ” about not calling for few days .

    But then whenever I used to tell him that maybe I should expect this much from him,given he is just a friend, he used to convince me like anything, that “its ohk you are not being demanding , I guess I am being lazy , I should definitely call you everyday”

    and somehow i don’t know if I am wrong but that’s not what you say to someone who is JUST  A CLOSE FRIEND  right?/

    and I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE WAS WISE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS DOING.

    even after such conversations , he didn’t stop with his hot and cold behaviour , he somehow used to himself have expectations that I ll call him before calling some other guy friend of mine, whenever anything would happen , or I would just be talking to him whenever he called instead of doing anything else,and it was somewhere becoming VERY TOXIC for me, I couldn’t focus on my semester very properly , stressing about the times there used to go days after we used to fight on something silly,and then go no contact ,until he used to be ready to apologies(if it was his fault) or forgive.

    I was again struggling with being vulnerable around him, but he couldn’t notice that exactly, because he was mostly more into his life.

    Withing the next two months of this continued behaviour of giving mixed feelings , I realised this wasn’t worth it, and that I must clear the air to be able to move on ,whether he really sees me the way I see him or otherwise was it that we had been crossing boundaries.

    When I confessed to him, and told him , that I wouldn’t have felt this in the first place , if it wasn’t his overly caring and supportive behaviour that made me fall for this, He said Sorry , but I have recently been through a break up , I don’t want a relationship for at least next one year, AND I WAS JUST BEING A GOOD FRIEND, I DONT REALLY HAVE BOUNDARIES , I AM PRETTY DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWING WHEN WE WERE CROSSING LIMITS”

    TRUST ME I JUST COULDNT TAKE THAT BULLSHIT AND I STILL DONT.

    the reason he was my closest friend in the first place was because I thought I could trust him with my self and he would never lead on someone he didn’t want , like other guys.

    AND I WAS SO WRONG.

    AND THIS STATEMENT THAT HE DIDNT WISH FOR A RELATIONSHIP FOR NEXT ONE YEAR, WAS NEVER DISCUSSED TO ME , UP UNTIL NOW

    Somehow I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore.

    BUT I DECIDED TO THINK FOR MY SELF , SO I TOLD HIM I NEEDED SOME DISTANCE , TO RESET THE BOUNDARIES MYSELF , SINCE I DIDNT KNOW THE FRIEND I TRUSTED THE MOST WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT REALISE WHAT HE WAS DOING. I NEED TO TAKE SOMETIME TO BE ABLE TO MAYBE TRUST HIM AGAIN

    he said he was ohk with this,although the first one week  he didn’t take it very well, he called me but i didn’t waste hours talking to him, instead , restricted it to what a general conversation between friends should be like. He thought I was behaving weird , so eventually he said , he would wait , until I was ready to go back to being normal.

    and Now IT HAS BEEN 20 DAYS SINCE I CONFESSED TO HIM, AND I AM PRETTY MUCH HEART BROKEN. BUT SOMEWHERE I FEEL HE DID HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME JUST THAT HE IS NOT CONFESSING IT .

    I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT THOUGHT, BUT SOMEWHERE I AM STILL HOPING HE WILL COMEBACK TO ME , WITH THIS REALISATION.

    AND THIS THOUGHT SOMEHOW ALTHOUGH GIVING ME HOPES, IS STOPPING ME FROM MOVING ON

    So PLEASE HELP

    #377155
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ishita:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back.

    anita

    #377160
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Ishita,

    I am sorry you feel hurt and betrayed. You were hoping that he has feelings for you, and it turns out he was just “unintentionally” crossing boundaries. What might have happened is that he felt bad after his break-up, alone and hurt, and he needed someone to make him feel better. And that someone was you.

    It’s almost like in a rebound relationship, where the person is still very much emotionally attached to their ex and use the new partner to make them feel better, or sometimes even to make the ex jealous, or suchlike. Yours wasn’t a full-on relationship but it appears he was using you to feel better after the break-up. This is very revealing:

    I was again struggling with being vulnerable around him, but he couldn’t notice that exactly, because he was mostly more into his life.

    Yes, it appears he was focused only on himself and didn’t care about your feelings. He might have led you on on purpose or accidentally (although I think he was probably aware that you’re developing feelings for him, and maybe that’s why he started playing cold). Anyway, it’s good that you confronted him and asked to clarify his intentions. And I know it hurts that he basically rejected a relationship with you, but at least you know where he stands and what you can expect from him.

    I see you’re having a hard time accepting it, though, and believe that he does have feelings for you but isn’t admitting it:

    BUT SOMEWHERE I FEEL HE DID HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME JUST THAT HE IS NOT CONFESSING IT.

    He might have had feelings for you in the sense of feeling good in your presence, enjoying your attention and flirting after he was dumped by his girlfriend, taking his mind off of the break-up etc. He felt good in your company, perhaps your relationship was like a welcome distraction for him, but it doesn’t mean he wanted to get serious with you. As you yourself noticed, “he was mostly more into his life.” Meaning, his motives very pretty selfish.

    I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT THOUGHT, BUT SOMEWHERE I AM STILL HOPING HE WILL COMEBACK TO ME , WITH THIS REALISATION.

    I don’t think you should hope that he’d come back. Although it’s painful to think that he’s just used you to feel better about himself, it’s probably what happened here. And it would be better for you to accept it, no matter how painful, and to move on. It doesn’t mean that you’re in any way lesser-then or not good enough, it’s just that he isn’t a good candidate. He gave you hope, he used you, and then he backed off.

    The best thing you can do is to feel angry about him for a while (as you are now), but then to accept it that it’s for the best, because you don’t want to be with someone selfish or deceptive like he is. And to move on, loving yourself even more than before this entire episode happened.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by TeaK.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #377163
    Ishita
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Thankyou TeaK for reading the entire passage and giving your valuable views on the same, it means a lot.

    yes I am actually very hurt, because not only did I fall for him and got rejected but also I lost a really close friend because I no longer see him the way I used to . For me , he was someone who was a humble , good and caring person , whereas , now he is more of a self-centered and selfish person for me , who actually never really understood me.

    But I dont know if we should call it to rebound, because it had already been 4months to his break up , when he started getting even closer to me, and we have been friends for like two years now, although I agree , he is more of an introvert and a bit emotionally inexpressive, never really attempted to know me this well up until now and I am his only close female friend(not that he doesnt have other female friends but he is really close to just a few ppl in college). So , could you please tell me how Rebounds are supposed to be like, because I have been confused this entire time of whether this was his rebound, and it breaks me a bit inside, thinking , that he would have probably gotten involved with any girl then, he could have got his hands on.

    One time , he used to be super caring ,and overly protective of me , and then the other times it used to just depend on his mood if he would like to care (and i noticed how he used to act the former only when I showed as if I wasn’t very into him, which is kind of narcissistic behavior)

    He is and has been always a workaholic and thus he eventually ,when the semester started got involved in his own work, forgetting completely how emotionally unfulfilled I had begun to feel . Our conversations had mostly become about him, because I had again begun to feel this insecurity, that what if he feels I am a mess. Not that I feel this way about myself, I am someone pretty confident about myself, but I was so into not wanting to lose him, that I eventually began to feel obligated somewhere or the other, because I knew we were very different people , and I really thought that maybe I had begun to become too much for him now, which was so wrong to feel for oneself.

    Right now, I am not even sure if I want to be his friend again or not, given how bad he messed me up.

    #377165
    Ishita
    Participant

    Sorry while trying to edit my comment I mistakenly reported it, I hope that doesn’t create any problem?

    #377176
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Ishita,

    I don’t think it should be a problem that you accidentally reported your post. By the way, edits can be done within the first 5 minutes or so of posting, later it’s not possible any more.

    So , could you please tell me how Rebounds are supposed to be like,

    I personally haven’t been in a rebound relationship, but now I’ve looked it up, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be immediately after the breakup, but it’s the first relationship that follows a “Very Serious Relationship”. Since your friend was pretty serious with his ex, I imagine the relationship with you could count as a rebound for him. You also said he was hurt a lot by the break-up, which would make him a candidate for getting involved in a rebound relationship. Here is a relevant quote:

    “People are much more likely to have rebound relationships if they were the one who was dumped. That’s because getting dumped can be highly distressing and a serious hit to your self-esteem, which is going to prompt more coping behaviors, like rebound sex and relationships.”

    In both of your posts you mentioned something interesting – that you didn’t want him to think that you’re a mess:

    “I was making attempts of letting my guard down around him, because otherwise I used to feel an insecurity , that maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess.”

    “Our conversations had mostly become about him, because I had again begun to feel this insecurity, that what if he feels I am a mess.”

    You also appear to have admired him – but I’d say glorified him somewhat before you got to know him better:

    I have always admired him, and maybe did secretly like him too,

    an overachiever yet humble

    maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess

    It appears to me that you glorified him, thought he was so high above you, and that he was inaccessible since he has a girlfriend, plus he’s an overachiever so he’s primarily interested in his studies. But when he did show increased interest in you, I guess you were smitten and perhaps felt like your unattainable dream may be coming true after all? You didn’t even talk much about yourself, but it was mostly about him. You put him in the center of your attention, showered him with admiration (I assume) and made him your No1 priority, even to to point of neglecting your studies.

    All this attention felt very good to him, specially since he had been was recently broken up with, which I guess was a blow to his ego. So he was definitely enjoying your company, your attention and admiration. When you were a little more reserved, he’d immediately start showing more interest in you, so that he can keep you hooked on him (“i noticed how he used to act the former only when I showed as if I wasn’t very into him, which is kind of narcissistic behavior”). Perhaps he wasn’t doing it consciously, but he was nevertheless doing it.

    BTW when you say he was “overly protective” of you, what exactly do you mean?

    All this shows me that he was flattered by your attention, and even misled you so that he can get your attention, but he probably didn’t have serious intentions with you.

    It breaks me a bit inside, thinking , that he would have probably gotten involved with any girl then, he could have got his hands on.

    It doesn’t necessarily mean that “any girl” would do for him, but in a way, any girl looking up to him and admiring him like you did, probably would have done, yes. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, I repeat, just that he’s not that great guy that you put on a pedestal and admired. He might even be someone with narcissistic tendencies, as you’ve noticed. This showed his true colors, and you’re right to consider whether you even want to remain friends with him or not.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #377179
    Ishita
    Participant

    thanks, TeaK your reply i guess is an eye-opener for me , given this entire incident has also got to make some revelation about me, on why did allow myself to feel obligated to someone, are such people even worth it in the long run in your life, if you cant be yourself around them.

    It wasn’t exactly that we used to just talk about him, its just , I stopped feeling like telling him my problems , because I have this fear of people be judging it, until I am very comfortable around them(which is a problem with me), and if I wasn’t telling him that , during the time I was facing it and stressing about it, I didn’t even feel like talking about myself even a bit, and he didn’t really see that.

    So, by overly protective, I meant, that he was there for me always, we are in the same club in our college,and that’s how we had met.Now, I am someone who is very involved in the works of the club , and am pretty opinionated, whereas he is , more of an introvert who , didn’t really aim for the leadership position in the club. I have faced instances where some of my batchmates have tried to take credits for my work unduly and it used to make me sad at times, and he has been there in those times (even more ,recently) to fight for me. But somewhere eventually in the last two months I could feel , as if though he had made this more dependent on his mood , of how much support he would want to be, whereas , I had always been their for him , to never allow anyone to do something wrong to him in the club .

    He used to mention a few things about his relationship with his girlfriend at times, but mostly he never really used to mention her, which used to make me feel this couldn’t actually be a rebound then. He in fact used to tell me two months after their breakup that he was pretty much ready to move on, I guess that was a lie then. Anyways I am not sure of anything any more.

    We are also supposed to take a knowledge session for our juniors together this weekend and as of now he has been acting all formal with me , since I told him I wanted distance for a while to reconsider our friendship.I hope this session goes well.

    This has now some what taken a toll on my self esteem too.,on how could I not know, how could I fall for someone thinking I could trust him with myself . It feels as though that he would have only considered me in such a case only, and not ingeneral .

     

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 23 hours ago by Ishita.
    #377182
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ishita:

    You shared that you had a male friend (“a real nice guy, an overachiever yet humble, although a bit emotionally inexpressive or reserved”) whom you met in college. He had a girlfriend at the time but last September, his girlfriend of two years broke up with him, saying she was feeling stressed around him. He was broken hearted but “was eventually getting closer” to you, more emotionally expressive, trying to get to know you and be supportive of you. But you were anxious, insecure, “that  maybe he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess”.

    During the winter vacation last December, three months after his breakup, the two of you facetimed almost every day, talking for hours,  and at times he flirted with you, calling you “bae”, a term reserved to a girlfriend. By January 2021 you were strongly attached to him/ in love with him, “but he started pulling hot and cold” on you, at times not calling you for 2-3 days. When you complained that he didn’t call you, he said that you were not being demanding, that he is lazy and that he “should definitely call you everyday”.

    But he kept going with “his hot and cold behaviour”, not calling you every day. There were fights between the two of you, followed by no contact, followed by him apologizing to him, or you apologizing to him until the next fight. You were into him but “he was mostly more into his life”. During this time, you were very stressed and not able to focus on your studies.

    In March, you told him how you felt about him, and that you felt this way because of his previous “overly caring and supportive behaviour”. He told you that he was sorry, that he does not want a relationship for at least a year, that he was “just being a good friend”, and that he was not aware that he crossed the limits from friendships to more: “I am pretty dumb when it comes to knowing when we were crossing limits”.

    You told him that you needed distance to reset your boundaries, “since I didn’t know the friend I trusted the most was dumb enough to not realise what he was doing”. He then kept calling you, you spent less time talking to him, “restricted to what a general conversation between friends should be like”, he thought you were behaving weird and eventually said that he would wait until you were “ready to go back to being normal”.

    Twenty days later, you are heart broken, “but somewhere I feel he did have feelings for me just that he is not confessing it… still hoping he will come back to me, with this realisation”, and this thought and hope is stopping you from moving on”.

    Your image of him changed from one who was “a humble, good and caring person” to “a self-centered and selfish person” who never really understood you, who is “kind of narcissistic” and who messed you up.

    My input: I agree with teaK, and will repeat/ expand on the following:

    1) Your very positive image of him Sept 2020- Feb 2021 is probably overly positive. When a woman (particularly a teenager/ young woman) is in-love with a man, she sees him as better and more than he really is, and she sees his behaviors as more caring and loving than they really are.

    In-love feelings and wishful thinking go hand in hand, including your wishful thinking that he will come back to you with the realization that he is in love with you after all, and that he wants a relationship with you.

    There is no way for me or for you to predict the future: there is some possibility that he will have a change of mind and heart about you. If he was an emotional and impulsive young man, that possibility would be greater. But you wrote that he is emotionally reserved, an overachiever and a workaholic who is very busy with his studies, and that he told you that he is not interested in being in a relationship for one year (so to focus on his studies and his future career life, I assume)-

    – this suggest to me that unlike in the case of an emotional and impulsive young man, the chance that this career-oriented, ambitious and self-disciplined man will change his mind is unlikely.

    2) From what you shared, I believe that he did indeed flirt with you and had fun doing so. Also, I believe that he shouldn’t have flirted with you when having no intention to have a relationship with you- he led you on, and you ended up hurt. It is very important that in the future, when a guy you like/ are interested in,  is flirting with you, or you suspect that he is flirting, ask him about what is underneath his flirtation: is it just the fun of flirting, or is he interested in a relationship with you?

    It is a forward question that can save you a lot of time and hurt!

    3) Regarding your earlier thought/ sentiment: “he is so perfect he would never understand why I am a mess”- he was not perfect and everyone is a mess some of the time, to one extent or another. Lots of people are a great mess a lot of the time. It is just that any one person is very familiar and intimate with his/ her own mess, not with other people’s messes, so  one imagines that his/her mess is much greater than other people’s messes.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 23 hours ago by anita.
    #377184
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Ishita,

    I am sorry you had this experience, but it’s good that it ended, specially if you couldn’t be yourself around him, or he didn’t really care about your feelings. You said you were very different people – in what sense do you mean? Perhaps it could give you an insight in what you glorify in others, while believing you don’t possess it in yourself?

    #377203
    Ishita
    Participant

    Thanks TeaK and anita , for your valuable insights.

    Yes its true that this is actually a good thing that this has ended because I feel more relieved now than I did then ,because I am able to take this as an opportunity to focus on myself more.

    #377208
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Ishita. Post again if and when you need to.

    anita

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