Dear Ishita,

Sorry, I thought it was very recent, and that you started to get back together again. But I understand now that before you took a break from the relationship, you had hot and cold phases, and this was one such “warming up” phase after a colder period. You still didn’t know at that point that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. I get it now.

Well, although in this particular incident he doesn’t seem very guilty, he had led you on, heavily flirted with you and gave you false hopes during November/December. And he probably knew what he was doing, since he recognized such behavior in other guys.

You have put him “on hold” and now your relationship is strictly formal (extremely formal on his side), but he’s waiting for your decision and for resuming the relationship in some form.

If I understood well, you now want to completely break off the friendship, because he betrayed your trust and you could never trust him again.

You’re in a dilemma about whether to:

• call him immediately and tell him that the friendship is over, or wait until your common project ends, to create less commotion,
• and if you call him, whether to tell him openly about the reasons for breaking-off the friendship and trying to make him see his mistake or not

These are your questions and dilemmas:

I think I should let him know (on call), that he shouldnt wait, and more than that I want to let him know that he just hurt me so bad that I cant even think of being friends with him (but I dont want to explain him why I think so, because I think I am done with that and I dont know what his reaction will be like, I seriously wouldnt want to get into an argument with him then)

Would that be a stupid idea,? And if not, would it be better if I call him right away since I feel this suffering or should I wait for this project to end peacefully first?

Now, the thing is I feel I shouldnt , sort out with him whatever I am feeling right now, because somewhere I feel, he would still not own up to his part of mistake, and instead would either defend himself by not analysing deeply or would indulge in gaslighting. So, I dont know if this confessing would actually help me let go or not?

But a part of me also believes that if he cared even a bit about me, then maybe he will understand and have a bit of remorse at least.

But I dont know what to do?

It’s not easy to tell, but perhaps you could wait for the project to end, and then talk to him. As for trying to explain to him how he betrayed your trust, you may want to do it, since it seems in your nature to want to explain things and not leave things unspoken and unresolved, if possible. So you might want to try to explain how he betrayed your trust, and that you don’t buy that he was clueless about what he was doing. You can try to “make your case”, and see his reaction.

The worst that can happen is that he again tries to gaslight you – to deny that there was any inappropriate behavior on his side and refuse his responsibility for misleading you. If you can deal with such denial, without starting to doubt yourself – so if you’re strong enough and able to deal with his potential gaslighting – then do it. If on the other hand you feel that he would be merciless and vicious (he might be if he is a narcissist) and that it would hurt you even more, then don’t do it.

That’s the best I can come up so far… but it’s not easy to decide, perhaps there are more things to take  into consideration.