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Reply To: I need to write this pain away- ex hang ups

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#377977
sossi
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Hi Anita,

It was you who helped me last time, im very grateful that this was here to help as i didnt know where to turn.

My ex is not a realtor himself but his current girlfriend is. He has several properties and when they met, it seems she listed them. We were still together at that time and i am also in realestate, so i was hurt and confused as to why he did that. He told me at the time that he had gotten a special deal with her, that i couldn´t list them. It´s all very sordid.

I think from an early age i learned that, if i had gained something, others were jealous and that always made me feel bad. I really didn´t like it if someone was left out so i remember early on, saying self depreciating things. My sister has always been jealous of what i had, she has never come out and said anything about it but i know if i made more money and had more success she would not be happy. She in fact is more successful than me.

I think she always felt our parents loved me more. But she never talks about her feelings, there are only clues on few occasions, spiteful stabs at my mom or me when there is an argument. When she had a birthday and was newly single she came over with her old best friend from highschool, i brought my ex and was in a really happy state, i felt i was shining. She was really unhappy at that time. Her friend turned to her and said “uh, nothings changed here i see”. I realised it was a stab at myself and felt bad.

When i was a teenager my closest friend was very jealous.I loved horses and she got her parents to buy her one. A boyfriend i got was seemingly the one she wanted. She developed anorexia and one day in her bedroom she cried and said it was because of me and then couldnt explain why. but of course i felt so bad and ashamed. I think i recall her taking a photo of me for an art project where she did my makeup. I had a photo in my art book, i looked at it and the eyes had been scratched out…i don´t know who did it but guessed it was her. in our 20s i lived with her a short while to start working and met a roommate of hers, she told me that his sister in law had wanted her to get with him. My work was not as high powered as hers and she enjoyed telling me all of her successes, if i had something good happen she was silent. I eventually blocked her out of my life because i realised whenever i saw her, she made me feel bad.

Its hard to really want someone to like you. And to not be enough for others. I was with that guy several years, he proposed but it was not a fit, his family really didnt like me that much. They all had high powered jobs. She was right.

When i was a kid i remember looking at my sister´s friendships and being envious of that, they seemed so cool but they were older and i think that is normal. When i got with my last ex boyfriend i think i looked up to him in that way. Both of them made friends easily, they were popular. I was shy and self conscious. When i made friends, they seemed to focus a lot on my looks in the beginning.

What is also interesting is that only a few years ago, i achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation..my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions.  I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction. I felt completely deflated.

I will say that i am “aware” of when i am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me…and i feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, i attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel its unfair somehow.