Dear Anita,

yes I totally get it, I felt the same , that I have been bothering you guys as well as myself by going round the circle again and again with the same thing instead of letting it go.

I dont know if any bad experience in my childhood has been the source of obsession or not, but I would try to make sense with what I am about to say.

I used to be a really good student academically , and then I started off with my entrance preparation , where I kind of got messed up , becuase I wasnt getting the kind of enviroment I needed. Ppl around me where kind of toxic, most of them being boys in my coaching, I used to find it difficult to bond , because nobody wanted me in their grps, as they were all guys who didnt consider it cool to take me (a girl) in their grp however good may I be.

My teachers had started to blame me , for my poor test performance (because I had joined the coaching late, due to health issues).I feel , believing in their words, blindly ,was the main reason for me losing confidence in myself. They used to always say , how they really expected exceptional performance from me, yet I am messing it all up. I didnt take it very well, I started considering myself as extremely inefficient, whenevr I used to sit to study I used to keep obsessing over how and why I joined late, and the way things could have been .Being around toxic batch mates ,who used to kind of attempt to pin me down during classes , on the basis of the quality of performance or so, wasnt helping either.

And now , when I look back , I feel really bad , for that self of me, how much she suffered everyday, there used to be so many days, I didnt use to even feel like getting up in the morning, because I ll have to go through the same pattern everyday,and I was unable to break myself out of it.My family used to support me a lot, my sister used to often sit with me on video calls , to help me concentrate while she be working. My mom , used to stay up at night until I would stop crying and fall asleep.

I felt as if though I was losing my identity, this used to define me, being the smartest kid in the class, being really fast , but now, I was losing it , I was in a race , where there were thousands of people better than me, and I had never compared myself to anyone before, but I guess thats what a competitive exam kind of does to you.

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

I hope this info helps , you to understand my POV