Hi Anita,

I´m not so comfortable with the idea of medications, when i took them previously i was on (at first) 20mg of an anti depressant. Not a very high level i think. I just felt really nothing for a long time. It numbed the edges of acute pain and everything went very flat, no highs or lows.

The acute reaction i had this time was much shorter than previous times. I feel the hurt, pain, i feel suicidal and desperate, i cry and then it evens off into nothing.  i feel fairly numb and flat even without taking meds. Im worried that taking meds will make me “disappear” into a fog. And once you are on them…doctors want you to stay on them at least a year.

The betrayal i felt this time. i dont know. I still held some hope he was interested in me. And i was conflicted by it because i knew it was wrong but its hard to erase. When he confirmed he was still seeing someone and then told me where she worked i just felt blindsided. Another type of betrayal. And the sting of suddenly being aware that all this time she was probably keeping an eye on me and my work…its creepy. It felt like she had personally attacked me, like it was nothing to do with him.

I want to know how to deal with the intense rage i felt….it seems to me i could have walked over to her office and thrown a brick through the window, i pictured dragging her by her hair…i felt so violent towards her. But luckily it has lasted only about 24hrs. I must admit, the work situation has kept me preoccupied anyway.

I go through phases of hating him and focusing on new things and work, to going through phases of fantasy, missing him and thinking he misses me. That is a problem, letting go. It is also because of the way he was on the phone before. He was flirtacious, asking if i was with somebody…he always asked that. He mentioned a guy at my work who i dont remember telling him about. He seems jealous. But that is quite possible…if he is that kind of person who wants to have all the girls…and keep them, its possible he is happy that i am alone and missing him. When we were together there really was a kind of electrical field of communication, a heightened sense of being on each others´mind, i would think of him and he would call etc. When these kind of things happen its very hard to forget it.

I want to know how to find a light at the end of the tunnel. Find peace.

Within the last few days since this happened, a lot of other things have gone wrong…i feel sometimes like i am being pushed over the edge of a cliff constantly. Im tired of seeing other people´s success when i know i have worked hard or harder than they have. Its like i feel my happiness and success is just an impossible dream.