Dear Katrine Nielsen,

I am sorry that your grandfather, whom you liked, passed away when you were still young. I am also sorry that you had to go through such a difficult childhood experience.

The first thing you can do is try to have compassion for your younger self, and tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault. And that you weren’t equipped – like no child is – to deal with such emotional burden that you were facing.

You were bullied, and your parents and teachers ignored it, and so you anxiety became even bigger, to the point of being afraid to ride on a bus. Your anxiety seems to be largely related to the fear of judgment and condemnation by others. And you did experience a lot of judgment and condemnation in your childhood, both from your peers who bullied you, and from your parents and teachers, who thought you shouldn’t be anxious, and should just “get over it”.

So I think it’d very helpful if you could have compassion and understanding for that little girl, who had no one to ease her anxiety – to hold her hand, take her into their lap and console her, to go to her school and talk to the teachers. There was no one who had compassion and understanding for you, and so the first step you can do is to have compassion and  understanding for yourself, Katrine.

I think it’d also be great if you could find a therapist who can be that positive, compassionate, comforting figure – someone to “hold you” emotionally and soothe your anxiety, and help you learn how to love yourself. Do you have in mind someone who could be this soothing mother figure (or even a grandfather figure) for you?

Also, try to understand that you have the right to be happy and lead a happy and fulfilling life, even if it might not be possible for your sister. You don’t have to suffer just because she suffers. You don’t have to feel guilty for having your own goals and dreams, for wanting to find happiness outside of your role of helper and care-taker to your sister (more precisely, the secondary helper, because the primary helper is your mother).

In that context, it was wonderful that you got the opportunity to spend some time and work in London for a while, and it shows you’re capable of that. But you’ll need to do some more healing and finding yourself, before you can embrace a new life script and new possibilities for yourself.