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Feeling betrayed

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  • #377761
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    I’m in a situation I don’t know how to deal with.

    I had a close friend. We had been good friends for years, and never had an argument or so. But then that changed. We had made plans to meet up, but on the day I had a meltdown due to stress. I was so stressed out like just crying my eyes out. So I cancelled, and she said okay no worries. Then over the next few months I couldn’t really make plans with her, she kept backing out. I then called her to say if it’s about the plans that I cancelled I’m so sorry that i did it on the day and cutting it so close. She got angry and said it wasn’t that I cancelled, it was the fact that i did it on purpose to deliberately hurt her because I had been angry with her for a month. I hadn’t been angry with her at all or anyting like that. I told her the truth of what had happened that day, that caused me to have a meltdown. She didn’t believe me. She said a friend of mine had revealed my vicious plan to her and that she thought she had a right to know about it. I was in chock. Someone i trusted told lies to her behind my back, and my friend believed her over me. They have now become best friends over this, and I have been left an emotional wreck Every time I meet the person telling these things about me, she telling me how good friends they are. How they speak together every day on the phone, and are very supporting of one another. I’ve tried fixing it but it didn’t work. I’m am now feeling really betrayed, lonely and hurt by it. It even affects my sleep.

    How do I mentally move on from this?

    #377785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    Welcome back, I am sorry that you are back with another heartache. I was wondering, are the two  female friends your current thread is about, did they  attend school with you when you were a teenager, being responsible for any of the “bullying, physical and mental abuse, emotional blackmail and gaslighting” (August 2020) that you suffered back then?

    Also, I wonder if these two women are two of the people you referred to back in August last year, after you returned from London to your home country, in this quote: “Everybody I  know at home are pregnant, buying house and sportscars, completely unaffected by Covid”?

    anita

    #377975
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Anita, hope you are well.

    No we attended another school, one without bulliyng. The friend who believe the lies about me also suffer from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)

    They aren’t the ones who were pregnant and buying houses. Thoses were family members and though I am very happy one their behave, It really painful to have them always reminding me that I don’t have these things, and that I am running out of time. It like your value as a person is all about what you have, and since I don’t have these things all they tell me is what I am doing to get these things. This has gone on for years. I really hard when your biggest drem is to create your own family, and seeing people having it all figured out. Only to having your value decreased contantly, because you aren’t a real adult. They know something is wrong with me since I’m the only who never had a boyfriend with me to family events, but they don’t know what exactly.

    #377988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katerine Nielsen:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in a few hours, it may be as long as 20 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

    anita

    #378042
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I am well, thank you, Katrine. I hope you are okay and that your sister’s health has improved.

    You shared regarding this former friend: “I had a close friend. We had been good friends for years, and never had an argument… (she) suffers from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)”-

    – in the core definition of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is “unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships”, including frequent arguments and fights. People suffering from BPD do not have long-term, stable relationships, where they are close to another person for a years. If your friend was diagnosed with BPD, and fit the diagnosis through the years of your friendship, how is it that she has been able to be a close friend to you, never an argument- any idea?

    You shared about your family members: “They know something is wrong with me since I’m the only one who  never had a boyfriend with me to family events, but they don’t know what exactly”-

    -if you want to, and only if you do, can you tell me more about your relationship with your mother when you were a child and onward?

    anita

    #378047
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Yes, she is doing well thank you.

    She has had fights with other people and paranoid tendencies about other people, but never with me. Not directly at least. Back when she told me that she had been told I went behind her back, she mentioned everything that I’ve done wrong i our friendsship. Things like a was a bit stressed one day, i told her no (only after she kept saying I’m a push over, and saying no is not dangerous) and that I was unable to make a decision about something a while ago. All things I find pretty small, and not really huge mistake. We’ve only met up once every 6 months or so, and then we usually watch a movie or eat at a caf’e and such. I’ts always been very laid back. That’s why this is such a huge chock to me, because our time spend together has been very relaxed.

    My mother is a people pleaser like myself. She’s sacrificed everythink my sister and me. But emotionally I have been on my own so to say. I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings and fears without getting a just be positive and don’t think about it. Dealing with my sisters illness, work, house chores and a mother in law calling her a bad mother, there wasn’t any energy left. So I had to learn to deal with my anxiety, feelings, bullies on my own. Trying to self soothe and pep talk my self. My parents don’t understan anxiety, like why are you anxious there’s nothing to be anxious about. Making me feel really weak because I can’t just snap out of it.

     

    #378050
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I ask questions because I am trying to understand myself, and then, help you understand things better:

    1) If the you and this woman, diagnosed with BPD, “only met up once every 6 months or so.. usually watch a movie or eat at a café and such”, then it is not accurate to say that she has been “a close friend”, and that the two of you were “good friends for years”, is it?

    I mean, meeting twice a year or so does not constitute a close friendship, does it?

    2) In September 13, last year, you wrote about your mother: “My mom just had a complete mental breakdown, and I’m terrified that she would end up hurting herself. She’s been on the edge for years… She’s crying all day and refusing to talk. I know that she needs to go on furlough and get help. She’s been needing this for twenty years but refuses to accept help”.

    Today, you wrote regarding your mother (and father): “My parents don’t understand anxiety, like why are you anxious there’s nothing to be anxious about”.

    How is it possible that your mother, having been on the edge for years, etc., does not understand anxiety?

    anita

    #378054
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    1) Probably more a friend than close friend then. She knows all about my insecurities and has never told me that I was weak or stupid because of it.

    2) Sorry, I can see I’m bad at explaning. She knows about anxiety, but doesn’t understand anxiety disorders. Being anxious about an actual anxious situation (loss of job = losing your home) But not anxiety regarding everyday things. Like having anxiety attacks for taking the bus ( I’ve taken the bus for years) or going to do grocery shopping, or attending my friends baby’s baptism. These events aren’t going to hurt you in any way, they aren’t dangerous, so why is my mind and body reacting so strongly about it.

    Like I’ve always been afraid of sitting in the front of the bus, because when you have to alight the bus you are able to make eye contact with people, and what if I trip and fall. Heading for the exit when sitting in the back, you don’t get to see them looking at you. Never has I trip in a bus or anything like that, but non the less I am still anxious about taking the bus.

    #378059
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    Your anxiety started when you were 7, at home, living with your parents and older sister. But when you left for London on your own and lived there away from your family for 16 months, you felt a whole lot better: “For the first time in my life I started feeling like a normal person”.

    Back home from London, back to your family, you were “back to Square one”. Square one included “severe anxiety, depression and stress” (August 12, 2020).

    You shared back in Aug 12 last year about your childhood: “I’ve been experiencing bullying, physical and mental abuse, emotional blackmail and gaslighting”.

    Today, in your most recent post, you explained (you did a good job explaining, thank you), that your mother understands being anxious about actual problematic/ dangerous situations like losing one’s job or home, but she doesn’t understand being anxious about every day things, like being afraid of taking a bus and sitting in the front, which is not an actual a problem/ danger.

    I am wondering if she has been/ is aware of the actual problems/ dangers that you did experience as a child, including the actual “bullying, physical abuse” that you suffered, and I wonder how she reacted to those things happening to you…(?)

    anita

    #378158
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Yes, with the verbal abuse I’ve was told to ignore it and think about something else. In the end I stopped talking about it and would sit in my room alone and cry. Both my parents has had trauma growing up, and they have never taking care of those wounds. I guess the pretending it doesn’t happen makes it go away, is easier in a way. With being punched, bullied by my peers in school (and bullied by two teachers) They asked me if I wanted to go to another school. I refuse cause I couldn’t deal with thought of being the new kid in clase. They also took me to a child psyciatrist and he told them they were not to force me dealing with my anxiety. Which they didn’t. I school the teachers would force me, I went home and cut my rist trying to regain some sense of conrol.

    #378165
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    When you were verbally abused, punched and bullied by your peers in school, and bullied by two teachers as well, your mother, or father, or both, told you “to ignore it and think about something else”.

    You wrote: “I guess the pretending it doesn’t happen makes it go away, is easier in a way”- it was easier for your parents to pretend that the abuse you suffered did not happen because it didn’t happen to them.

    The title of your thread is “Feeling betrayed”, referring to being betrayed by two friends, but seems to me that you were betrayed by two other people: your parents who allowed for you to be abused by others, not protecting you from the abuse you suffered in school.

    You wrote regarding your parents: “They also took me to a child psychiatrist and he told them they were not to force me dealing with my anxiety. Which they didn’t.. the teachers would force me.. I went home and cut my wrist trying to regain some sense of control”-

    – I don’t understand what you meant by what I italicized. Can you explain it to me?

    anita

    #378210
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    The child psychiatrist thought my anxiety stems from a lack of control, so forcing me to do things and thus removing me being in control would only make it worse. I’ve been forcing my self to do things that terrifies me, and I have done so since i was a child. But i have to be the one in control. So attending school being bullied and beaten was bad enough, it was like having one never ending anxiety attack, but you can’t remove yourself from the situation. But doing presentations was like my worst nightmare, still is, I asked to not do them because that would have been too much for me, I wasn’t ready for a challenge that big. But my teachers said that i shouldn’t be weak, and if your afraid of something you just gotta do it, and if you refuse we are gonna make you do it. That’s why I ended up cutting in my wrist. This was a a time where my sister had it the worst, screaming from pain for hours a day asking to die, being devalued and compared to my cousins by my grandmother and losing all my friends. So doing a presentation in an unsafe environment was too much and I snaped.

    #378226
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    If I understand correctly, your parents first tried to force you to do what you were afraid to do, but later, after seeing a psychiatrist who told them to stop trying to force you to do what you were afraid to do- they no longer did. They no longer tried to force you to do what you were afraid of doing.

    If I understood correctly, can you give me a few examples of what your parents did when they tried to force you to do this or that: what they said or did to you and how you reacted?

    anita

    #378307
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    I can’t remember if they forced me before the meeting, but they have been adding pressure. Every person I’ve ever told about my anxiety thinks to just have to force yourself and you will be fine. But it’s not just the psysical symptons and the feeling of panic in your mind and body, it’s the fact that you have to do it in a room where some people would criticize and belittle me. That doesn’t make you less anxious but more, and it makes it even harder the next time you are in a social situstion. I guess it’s the way I’m interpreting it. I feel weak whenever I ‘m saying no (which is rare) and people make it all about being a little uncomfortable, and that I’m running away from it. Instead of listening to me, i’m only saying no when I’m completely exhausted from being anxious and facing my fears every day, I need a break once in a while.

    Like attending a social gathering with one side of my family, everytime I get extremely anxious but I know that when I get there I know I’m gonna have a lot of fun. No one there is gonna criticize me. With my other side of the family I need a lot more energy to get through the day. Energy I don’t have and that’s when I say no to going.

    Sorry if it’s a bit messy, I’m terribly sleep deprived at the moment.

    #378309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katrine Nielsen:

    I hope you get some sleep very soon, and if you can’t sleep, I hope that you get to rest, perhaps take a hot bath, listen to soft music and relax, best you can.

    You shared that when you are about to attend a social gathering with one side of the family, you get extremely anxious, afraid that you will be criticized and belittled. All that anxiety/ ongoing fear is exhausting to you. (“I’m completely exhausted from being anxious”)- anxiety is exhausting for everyone, I know from personal experience.

    “Every person I’ve ever told about my anxiety thinks to just have to force yourself and you will be fine”- I say: do not force yourself, do not put pressure on yourself when anxious. Instead: be kind and gentle with yourself, like you would be to an anxious little girl who needs your help.

    “I feel weak whenever I’m saying no (which is rare)…I’m only saying no when I’m completely exhausted from being anxious”- when you can, after you rest perhaps, can you tell me what kinds of requests and expectations do you have difficulty saying No to, as a child and since?

    anita

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