Hi dear TeaK and Anita,

Thank you for your support. I am okay, there is no reason that would make me not okay, however, there are some thought loops and I feel weird these days. My boyfriend has moved to another house, and it has been weeks. It was really hard at the beginning, I got way more emotional. But I guess, we’ve adapted to the situation a bit. I am now able to appreciate being on my own sometimes, it’s nice to just be alone in one’s space. Also, we didn’t define what we were, we decided that we should break up but then we couldn’t, stuff like that. We still meet for some things, for example, we went to a shop to get a new laptop for him the other day. And he also invited me to dinner today, I couldn’t go and we’ve decided that could be done tomorrow and then I can spend the night. I am not sure about us continuing like boyfriend-girlfriend is a good thing and I am not sure if we are in a relationship, it looks like we are, but I decided that it could be nice to just stop thinking about it and focus on the other things.

He didn’t answer me since this evening, it has been almost 12 hours. He was playing games and he probably slept, if nothing bad happened. Or maybe he is in a depressive state and doesn’t want to affect me as well. But in these 12 hours, I’ve cleaned the house, talked with a guy I’ll do a small business with, and then I just thought. There was no one to distract me from my anxiety, I was not -that- anxious but all I did was to get passively anxious about what I’ll do with my life. I’ve realized that I am nowhere near what I want in life, and to be honest, I have no idea what I want in life. That makes me feel hopeless, and maybe alone. I feel like everybody around me is onto something, a career, some quality bonding with people that they care about, something good to be exact. And I feel like I am onto nothing, I am just doing what people want me to do, and I am in delusion about what I want.

I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those, I just love when I create or accomplish something. And since I don’t like the process that much, I cannot proceed and get very good at it. And that is my problem, I like to get involved with everything but I don’t choose anything to be master at. I even got involved with the crypto market recently and a friend of mine taught me how to stake with defi tokens, how to analyze the graphics a bit. But that’s like the 1% of the field and I know just 1% about everything. Therefore, I am all over the place, not able to decide which paths to take and which fields to invest my time in.

Some say that I should apply for a master’s in other countries, some say that I should apply for jobs in other countries. Some come to me with designing gigs, and some say that I should work on my health. I have unstable blood sugar levels and they make me tired all the time, maybe exercising is the key but even that, I cannot do. There is no consistent relationship, no consistent field of work or interest. Nothing is consistent about my life besides being inconsistent. I guess the reason behind my depressiveness is that I have no goal. I cannot trick myself into wanting something bad enough to motivate me, there it is, my childhood years are back. All these years, for like 10 years I guess, I always thought I wanted some stuff. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to succeed, I wanted to matter, I wanted a tablet, I wanted a tattoo machine. I just wanted outcomes, not processes. I guess people do this mistake a lot, so that’s a given. But I find it hard to get out of bed in a respectively early hour because I literally have no ideals. I am way too materialistic to believe in something, and I am way too logical to invest my energy into an ideology. Weird.