Dear miyoid,

it’s good to hear from you! I am sorry you’ve got some doubts again, but it’s also okay you’re probing further, trying to get to know yourself better and better…

I realized that all this stuff I thought I loved, I just love the outcome. For example, I thought I loved drawing, designing, handling business, communication, interpreting, video-editing, reading, languages. But I’ve realized, I don’t like the process of doing those, I just love when I create or accomplish something.

I am just doing what people want me to do, and I am in delusion about what I want.

I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that the only time your mother showed interest in you and gave you praise was when you made money from your designs, as a teenager? She was happy about the outcome – more money for both of you – but she wasn’t particularly encouraging or praising your talent as a designer. I don’t know if this is true, but it occurred to me as a possibility.

Do you remember how your mother reacted when you were little and e.g. made a drawing and showed it to her? Or any similar little accomplishment – was she there to affirm it and be happy about it and praise you for it, or she didn’t really appreciate it much?

I guess your father wasn’t excited about your accomplishments either, because he was rather self-centered, if I understood well?

About your boyfriend, well, try not to get attached to him and expect things that you know he cannot give you. Even now, he disappeared and didn’t reply to your message for half a day. His behavior hasn’t really changed, so if you can’t break up with him, the best strategy is not to expect anything and to be prepared to stop contact whenever he behaves in ways that are hurtful or neglectful. It’s great – and super important – that he doesn’t live with you any more, so whenever you don’t like something, you can retreat to the safety of your own home.