Dear anita,

I hope you warmed up after your walk! Here it was cold (about 10°C) but still sunny, sometimes clouded today.

Most of the day today was spent at work. It was a calm day, but I was alone for the majority of it. For that, I did o.K., I think. Had some awkward exchanges, but that’s normal for me. One of my co-workers asked me about my studies today. Really, I hate talking about this topic, as I feel so much insecurity and shame around it. He asked me about my projects and ideas, asked why I don’t work at a job more related to my studies. I want to be really polite and friendly, but this topic makes me so uncomfortable. Also, I don’t like sharing my (underdeveloped) ideas with someone I don’t know that well and who also doesn’t know much about the subject. Then I told him that I do not want to talk about my studies.

At home, I also am feeling weird. My two roommates now sometimes visit each other in their room to talk. I am happy for them, but I also feel intense fears of being excluded, of them talking about me and judging me, scapegoating me. I know it is irrational and it also understandable that they get along better with each other than with me. They have more in common and are more open. It is so hard for me to be open and relaxed and normal. I wish I could fit in, but it doesn’t come easy for me and I also need alone time. On one hand, I really want connection, on the other hand, I want to be alone where I am comfortable and safe.

Sorry for talking too much about this and for ranting. Sometimes I don’t have anybody I could share this with.

I think I should do some simple yoga now, to feel calmer. And tomorrow work on my projects again.