Dear anita,

thank you, I did sleep well.

Today in the morning I got a bit distracted by the internet. Then I felt confused and stressed so I decided to first clean up my room very thoroughly. In the afternoon I completed another page for project C.

Tomorrow I again want to work on my projects, but also do yoga and maybe go outside for a while.

Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

thank you, I did sleep alright. It was also partly sunny here today. Next time I should go outside!

Today I finished two pages of project B which means that I finished project B! It feels so good to finish something and to know that I am capable of finishing things. When looking at it, I am thinking about all of the things that I need to improve on… But overall I am o.K. with the finished sketchbook. Over 100 pages of watercolor paintings/drawings, some of very good quality, others not so good. All dedicated to one topic. It is something.

Now I will move on to project D, which is about 10-12 16 page homemade sketchbooks that we were supposed to fill in 4 hours (but I needed a lot longer for the sketchbooks…) I have finished about half of them, have to look at them again tomorrow.

Also, in the morning I did yoga for 20 minutes.

Tomorrow is my workday and after that, I would like to do yoga and see what I can do for project C+D.

Dear anita,

finishing projects gives me hope that someday I can work on and finish a bigger project, like a book or something.

Today at work it was more of a calm day. They told me that I will only be able to work one day in May, more only if it is required. This back and forth makes me feel a bit insecure and also how things are communicated. But the good thing is, that I will be able to work more on my personal projects.

After work, I talked to my best friend on the phone and it was such a good, relieving feeling. I had missed her so much. We communicated less, writing each other a few times  a week, talking on the phone from time to time. So it was so nice to talk to her again. We actually might meet sometime soon. We could take a Corona test on the day of the meeting and meet outside, so it would be pretty safe. How nice would that be!

Later I started yoga, but gave up after 15 minutes… Maybe the class was too hard or I should have chosen one that I already knew.

Tomorrow I want to take some time to think about my goals and reflect, maybe go outside. Also work on my projects.

How was your walk? It’s nice that we get more sunny days now, and the winter is finally over.

Have a good day!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thank you. How nice that you had a good walk and that there is good weather at your end.

Today I went to the river beach and sat down at my favorite place. It was relaxing to listen to the sound of the waves and enjoy the calm. It made me feel good and in tune with myself.

Also, I journaled about my goals, but I am not finished. Later I talked to my sister on the phone. Tomorrow I have to work on my projects again.

Wishing you a very good weekend!

Dear anita,

thank you! It was indeed nice at the river. I collected some shells and watched the boats go by.

Today I distracted myself a lot, but I also drew for some time and was happy with my drawing. But still, I have to work on not getting too distracted!

Tomorrow I will go to work and after that, I want to draw or do yoga.

Until tomorrow!

Dear anita,

I hope you warmed up after your walk! Here it was cold (about 10°C) but still sunny, sometimes clouded today.

Most of the day today was spent at work. It was a calm day, but I was alone for the majority of it. For that, I did o.K., I think. Had some awkward exchanges, but that’s normal for me. One of my co-workers asked me about my studies today. Really, I hate talking about this topic, as I feel so much insecurity and shame around it. He asked me about my projects and ideas, asked why I don’t work at a job more related to my studies. I want to be really polite and friendly, but this topic makes me so uncomfortable. Also, I don’t like sharing my (underdeveloped) ideas with someone I don’t know that well and who also doesn’t know much about the subject. Then I told him that I do not want to talk about my studies.

At home, I also am feeling weird. My two roommates now sometimes visit each other in their room to talk. I am happy for them, but I also feel intense fears of being excluded, of them talking about me and judging me, scapegoating me. I know it is irrational and it also understandable that they get along better with each other than with me. They have more in common and are more open. It is so hard for me to be open and relaxed and normal. I wish I could fit in, but it doesn’t come easy for me and I also need alone time. On one hand, I really want connection, on the other hand, I want to be alone where I am comfortable and safe.

Sorry for talking too much about this and for ranting. Sometimes I don’t have anybody I could share this with.

I think I should do some simple yoga now, to feel calmer. And tomorrow work on my projects again.

Dear anita,

thank you for listening and responding! It helps to have a place where I can let my thoughts out. Your words have also helped me.

Today I am feeling better. I guess the day at work had stressed me a bit. But the good thing is, that I am slowly learning to set boundaries, like with the co-worker.

I also talked for a while with my roommate. We get along well and she also said that she feels happy and content here. So I have calmed down. Sometimes my thoughts get a little out of control.  The fear of being outcasted and judged is very big and comes up from time to time. But I do not want to create conflict or a situation like in the dormitory. Best to calm myself down and be a little bit more trusting of people. If there was a problem, I am trusting that they would come to me to talk about it.

You are also right that they likely don’t talk about me. I am sure they have a lot of other things to discuss!

About the roommates: there were always two of them, but one of them spent a lot of time at her partner’s place and also went travelling for a few months. So she was not very present and I did not get to know her well. Later she moved out to live with her partner. A new roommate moved in and at the beginning of this year the other “old” roommate found a new flat for herself, closer to her workplace and another new roommate moved in.

Today I worked on project C and cleaned for a bit. Now I feel pretty tired, so I will go to sleep soon. Tomorrow I want to work on project C and also go outside for a walk or something like that.

Have a good day!