April 20, 2021 at 12:20 pm #378174
Accountable! It is sunny here too, another sunny day. Congratulations for finishing the page and glad to read you attended a therapy session, talking about your goals. I hope you sleep well, good night, Lily!
anitaApril 21, 2021 at 12:56 pm #378257
thank you, I did sleep well.
Today in the morning I got a bit distracted by the internet. Then I felt confused and stressed so I decided to first clean up my room very thoroughly. In the afternoon I completed another page for project C.
Tomorrow I again want to work on my projects, but also do yoga and maybe go outside for a while.
Until tomorrow!April 21, 2021 at 1:01 pm #378258
Accountable! I am glad you slept well last night and hope you sleep well tonight and every night. Another sunny day here, 1 pm my time, 10 pm your time. Good night, Lily!
anitaApril 22, 2021 at 1:12 pm #378521
thank you, I did sleep alright. It was also partly sunny here today. Next time I should go outside!
Today I finished two pages of project B which means that I finished project B! It feels so good to finish something and to know that I am capable of finishing things. When looking at it, I am thinking about all of the things that I need to improve on… But overall I am o.K. with the finished sketchbook. Over 100 pages of watercolor paintings/drawings, some of very good quality, others not so good. All dedicated to one topic. It is something.
Now I will move on to project D, which is about 10-12 16 page homemade sketchbooks that we were supposed to fill in 4 hours (but I needed a lot longer for the sketchbooks…) I have finished about half of them, have to look at them again tomorrow.
Also, in the morning I did yoga for 20 minutes.
Tomorrow is my workday and after that, I would like to do yoga and see what I can do for project C+D.April 22, 2021 at 1:42 pm #378523
Accountable! And congratulations for finishing project B! You are definitely capable of finishing projects, well done, if I may say so!
In about twenty minutes I will be out for a walk, it wasn’t sunny much today but the sun just came out. Good night, Lily!
anitaApril 23, 2021 at 12:42 pm #378578
finishing projects gives me hope that someday I can work on and finish a bigger project, like a book or something.
Today at work it was more of a calm day. They told me that I will only be able to work one day in May, more only if it is required. This back and forth makes me feel a bit insecure and also how things are communicated. But the good thing is, that I will be able to work more on my personal projects.
After work, I talked to my best friend on the phone and it was such a good, relieving feeling. I had missed her so much. We communicated less, writing each other a few times a week, talking on the phone from time to time. So it was so nice to talk to her again. We actually might meet sometime soon. We could take a Corona test on the day of the meeting and meet outside, so it would be pretty safe. How nice would that be!
Later I started yoga, but gave up after 15 minutes… Maybe the class was too hard or I should have chosen one that I already knew.
Tomorrow I want to take some time to think about my goals and reflect, maybe go outside. Also work on my projects.
How was your walk? It’s nice that we get more sunny days now, and the winter is finally over.
Have a good day!
April 23, 2021 at 1:40 pm #378582
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Lily.
Accountable! My walk yesterday was fine and dandy, thank you. Today is another sunny day. Good to read that you feel more confident about finishing projects, that you had a calm day at work, and that you had a very a good phone conversation with your best friend. Have a restful night, Lily!
anitaApril 24, 2021 at 12:37 pm #378637
thank you. How nice that you had a good walk and that there is good weather at your end.
Today I went to the river beach and sat down at my favorite place. It was relaxing to listen to the sound of the waves and enjoy the calm. It made me feel good and in tune with myself.
Also, I journaled about my goals, but I am not finished. Later I talked to my sister on the phone. Tomorrow I have to work on my projects again.
Wishing you a very good weekend!April 24, 2021 at 12:49 pm #378640
Accountable! You are welcome and thank you for wishing me a very good weekend, I wish you the same. Your time at the river beach sounds lovely, I can can almost hear the sounds of the water. Good night, Lily!
anitaApril 25, 2021 at 1:05 pm #378720
thank you! It was indeed nice at the river. I collected some shells and watched the boats go by.
Today I distracted myself a lot, but I also drew for some time and was happy with my drawing. But still, I have to work on not getting too distracted!
Tomorrow I will go to work and after that, I want to draw or do yoga.
Until tomorrow!April 25, 2021 at 1:17 pm #378722
Accountable! You are welcome. It is grey and a bit rainy here today. I just came back from my walk and my hands are frozen, I can hardly type. Good night, Lily!
anitaApril 26, 2021 at 12:02 pm #378772
I hope you warmed up after your walk! Here it was cold (about 10°C) but still sunny, sometimes clouded today.
Most of the day today was spent at work. It was a calm day, but I was alone for the majority of it. For that, I did o.K., I think. Had some awkward exchanges, but that’s normal for me. One of my co-workers asked me about my studies today. Really, I hate talking about this topic, as I feel so much insecurity and shame around it. He asked me about my projects and ideas, asked why I don’t work at a job more related to my studies. I want to be really polite and friendly, but this topic makes me so uncomfortable. Also, I don’t like sharing my (underdeveloped) ideas with someone I don’t know that well and who also doesn’t know much about the subject. Then I told him that I do not want to talk about my studies.
At home, I also am feeling weird. My two roommates now sometimes visit each other in their room to talk. I am happy for them, but I also feel intense fears of being excluded, of them talking about me and judging me, scapegoating me. I know it is irrational and it also understandable that they get along better with each other than with me. They have more in common and are more open. It is so hard for me to be open and relaxed and normal. I wish I could fit in, but it doesn’t come easy for me and I also need alone time. On one hand, I really want connection, on the other hand, I want to be alone where I am comfortable and safe.
Sorry for talking too much about this and for ranting. Sometimes I don’t have anybody I could share this with.
I think I should do some simple yoga now, to feel calmer. And tomorrow work on my projects again.April 26, 2021 at 12:31 pm #378774
Accountable! You are welcome to share/ rant here. I am here to read what you share. It is only in the last 10 minutes here, that the sun started to come out and now, in the last minute or so, the sun is shining! (Last night, had wood in the woodstove burning, to warm up the house).
I am impressed that you told your co-worker that you don’t want to talking about your studies. It is okay to tell people that you don’t want to talk about this or that topic. Regarding your two roommates talking with each other privately (last I remember you had one roommate who left. I am guessing having these two roommates is a new situation)- I understand your discomfort about it, but I imagine that they are talking about other things, not about you, and that if they mention you, it is not in a negative, harsh way. Having communicated with you for so long, I can’t imagine anyone talking about you negatively or harshly!
anitaApril 27, 2021 at 2:14 pm #378844
thank you for listening and responding! It helps to have a place where I can let my thoughts out. Your words have also helped me.
Today I am feeling better. I guess the day at work had stressed me a bit. But the good thing is, that I am slowly learning to set boundaries, like with the co-worker.
I also talked for a while with my roommate. We get along well and she also said that she feels happy and content here. So I have calmed down. Sometimes my thoughts get a little out of control. The fear of being outcasted and judged is very big and comes up from time to time. But I do not want to create conflict or a situation like in the dormitory. Best to calm myself down and be a little bit more trusting of people. If there was a problem, I am trusting that they would come to me to talk about it.
You are also right that they likely don’t talk about me. I am sure they have a lot of other things to discuss!
About the roommates: there were always two of them, but one of them spent a lot of time at her partner’s place and also went travelling for a few months. So she was not very present and I did not get to know her well. Later she moved out to live with her partner. A new roommate moved in and at the beginning of this year the other “old” roommate found a new flat for herself, closer to her workplace and another new roommate moved in.
Today I worked on project C and cleaned for a bit. Now I feel pretty tired, so I will go to sleep soon. Tomorrow I want to work on project C and also go outside for a walk or something like that.
Have a good day!April 27, 2021 at 2:51 pm #378845
Accountable! And you are welcome. I am glad you felt better when you posted and I hope that you have a good night. On my walk yesterday, two girls walking their dog told me that they saw a cougar two weeks earlier, on that same stretch of walk. Lately, when the sun was shining I felt safer and didn’t take my pepper spray, but after the report yesterday, I will carry it every day, although cougars are not in the habit of looking to feast on humans, so I am relying on this knowledge!